Dating for Dummies
by O-Renji-Un
Summary: NEW CHAPPY! NEW PENNAME! NEW CRACK! Kakashi's a bit bored of the no romance between the Rookie Nine...and Konoha for that matter. What to do, what to do? Give dating advice and become matchmaker...? Oh the horror. SasuSaku and more!
1. Tip 1: Uchiha Sasuke

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: Hello! This is my first Naruto fanfic so…don't bite my head off if the characters are a little OCC. When you think about it, making a character seem normal in the eyes of readers is pretty hard…READ and REVIEW!

Disclaimer: Me plus Naruto equals a big fat NO.

Summary: Kakashi's a bit bored of the no romance between the Rookie nine and Konoha period. What to do, what to do? Give dating tips…? Oh the horror…

A/N: Um…I would like to thank Saiyanfanatics for understanding my little dilemma. U GUYS ROX!

Tip 1: Uchiha Sasuke

_Uchiha, Sasuke: _

_Single, Sharingan wielder, seventeen year old avenger with a superiority complex in the works, is psychotic with a capital "P", known for being an ex-missing-nin of Konoha and having a seven foot pole stuck up his-_

"Kakashi…"

_Searching for a strong female who will bear childe-I mean train with (If you know what I mean…), needs to be smart, good with kids, pretty, and…-_

"Ka-ka-shi."

_Has cotton candy pink hair and goes by the name…Sakura Haruno!_

"I'm…GONNA KILL YOU!"

And this is where our story begins…

* * *

_Rule Number 1 in Kakashi's book of DOOM!-I mean Dating Tips:_

_Target the unsuspecting victim…!_

_-_

It was, to be blunt, a normal sunshine-filled day in Konohagakure no Sato. A day, just like the ones before it, where a certain pink-haired, green-eyed teenager would walk along the path engraved unconsciously in her mind towards the meeting place of Team 7. It was days like this when Sakura Haruno wished she wasn't Sakura Haruno…

It was a weird thought, really. Why would one of the members of the famous Team 7 not want to be there? The aspiring medic-nin wasn't sick or depressed or anything of that nature. So why is our cherry blossom so reluctant to join her team…her true love? Good question…call it intuition.

Maybe it was the fact that her tea mug, yes the one with pink petals dancing over the glossy surface and her name in loopy cursive, had cracked in half. Her mother, the superstitious one of the family, had **loudly** pronounced was an omen of bad future. Or maybe because she had woken up later than usual and had stuffed her breakfast down her throat in record-breaking time. Thus beginning a chaotic morning…

Dashing out the front door and slipping on her ninja-required sandals, Sakura finally realized…her alarm clock had been set to one hour before. She had to refrain herself from slamming her slightly large forehead into a tree, that tree being a cherry blossom tree. Suspicious, MUCH?

And to add to Sakura's not-so-much-a-coincidence happenings, a loud slam reverberated throughout the forest she was strolling in. Not to mention the distinct sound of a huge flock of birds chirping either.

But the thing that took the cake, icing and all, was the strangled cry of a certain old perverted sensei…

* * *

"SASUKE-TEME! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" seventeen year old Naruto brushed sawdust from an obliterated tree the Uchiha heir KILLED with his Chidori.

Whatever Kakashi did really angered the young Uchiha. Naruto shook his head…that was an understatement. Sasuke was REALLY, REALLY angry. The angriest Naruto had ever seen him; meaning…Sasuke plus poor defenseless tree equals raining sawdust and homicidal rage. Just think of what would happen if it was a person…body parts flying everywhere…Naruto inwardly cringed.

All Kakashi did was show Sasuke-teme a piece of paper and Sasuke went all terminator mode, with scary red eyes and everything. (Except for the sunglasses and bazooka.)

The only person to snap some sense into current deforestation/terminator/avenger Sasuke was Sakura and…she wasn't there! At that very moment, Naruto wanted to cry and pray that Sasuke wouldn't set his cursed fiery eyes of doom at him.

Oh…too late.

'Sakura-chan…help me…!'

* * *

There are three things Sasuke Uchiha hates in this world.

1. Itachi.

2. Being weak…and Itachi.

And 3…a certain silver-haired jounin who was going to get his sorry butt kicked _very _painfully.

Sasuke's pupils dilated and the blood red Sharingan spun dangerously. It was like a mini-target missile launcher waiting for the opportune moment to strike its furious wrath.

Kakashi crouched low in a bush; tips of his silver mane were burnt from the barely dodged Chidori from before. He knew of the consequences just choose not to listen. Heck, he wasn't expecting a WHOLE armada of electricity and fury. He was starting to get second thoughts on teaching Sasuke the Chidori…

_Target locked._

Kakashi's eye twitched and fled underground as a bombardment of kunais and shurikens struck the hard earth.

He let a sigh of relief; there was no way Sasuke could get him down here…a drop of water dripped onto his nose and slid down his neck.

Oh…crap.

With an animalistic growl, Sasuke plunged a Chidori-filled palm into the ground. It crumbled and cracked under the pressure of the blue chakra. Sparks flew everywhere until the final bluish white glow faded into the earth.

A certain blond clutched a tree for dear life. Naruto let out a small squeak as he dragged himself farther away from the psycho Sharingan wielder.

If it had been any other time or person Sasuke was aiming at, Kakashi would have been proud of such an ingenious plot. Kakashi, however being the reason of the Uchiha heir's temper, didn't find this so…exciting. Personally he damned the late night rainfall last night to the fiery depths of hell.

It seemed the youngest of the Uchiha Clan, in his post-deforestation of Konoha's lush foliage, had noticed the ground was still soaked from last night's downpour. Using this as an advantage, the second Chidori user struck the wet ground to channel the chakra throughout the whole area including underground.

Poor, poor Kakashi…

Heck, he could picture his grave right now…Hatake, Kakashi died by his own student's hands for being a completely stupid and perverted ding-dong…Yeah that sounded a bit right.

Right when a foreboding shadow crawled over Kakashi's fried body a voice meekly reached over to Sasuke.

"Sasuke…kun…?"

* * *

"Did you hear that youthful sound my fiery pupils!" Gai laughed heartily with his teeth going _ping_!

"YES, GAI-SENSEI! SUCH YOUTHFUL-NESS!" Rock Lee slammed his fist into a tree trunk one last time before galloping over to his erm-shining teacher.

Tenten gave a small sigh and sent a sharp kunai embedding into a wooden dummy, "Sounded more like someone mercilessly getting beaten to me."

"Agreed." Hyuga Neji spoke deadpanned as he deactivated his _Byakugan_.

* * *

If looks could kill, Kakashi would have been dead yesterday. Sakura put her hands on her hips with a puzzled look on her heart-shaped face. Sasuke-kun was glaring fiercely at Kakashi-sensei who was holding several burn marks and scratches from who knows where. Naruto, who was actually quiet, sat _FAR _away from Sasuke-kun and kept glancing as if scared that Sasuke would snap…again.

She sighed; these days were far too strange to understand anyway…

_Flashback:_

_"Sasuke…kun…?" Sakura pushed the last of the mutilated bush out of her way. Emerald eyes blinked and looked owlish at the sight before her. It was as if someone had literally sent a tornado and every sort of natural disaster upon the Team 7 bridge._

_In other words, this was not good…not good at all._

_Sasuke's head turned slightly to see her in the corner of his blood red eyes, "Sakura…?" His voice was hoarse and sent a shiver down her spine._

_'What the hell happened here!'_

_In the background, Naruto and Kakashi were singing and dancing hallelujah and holding signs with Sakura's head on it. How naïve…_

_Big, innocent eyes blinked, "So…what happened?"_

_Big mistake…_

_The air grew silent and freezing as the Uchiha heir's lean frame shook. Kakashi visibly twitched and shuffled farther away from the Uchiha._

_Naruto clutched the fabric of her red shirt tightly and crouched low beside her. "Well," he started as a reddish black aura circled the dark boy, "love always did make people out of character."_

_And everything spiraled out of her perfect control at that moment._

_End of Flashback…_

She leaned on the amazingly still-intacted bridge and combed her short pink hair with her fingers. "Are you going to tell me?" Sakura glanced at Sasuke who had long ago abandoned his killing aura but still had the furious look.

"No."

Sakura blushed softly before looking away, "Oh…"

Kakashi rubbed his burnt hand and scowled. That damn brat is going to get it now…five thousand miles of running for him from now on. Kakashi watched Sakura kick imaginary dust on the bridge platform.

It was interesting, really. How the great and almighty Sasuke Uchiha fell into a lesser "stuck-up" version when Sakura was involved. Kakashi inwardly cackled evilly. Maybe he could get his dear revenge for the injuries in another more satisfying way. Oh how vengeance was sweet…

Taking his faithful piece of blackmail in his uninjured hand, Kakashi walked leisurely toward our cherry blossom pink-haired teenager. If he was smart enough he would have noticed the danger signal flashing dangerously. Did he see it…? Nope. "Say Sakura-chan could you do me a favor?"

Sakura peered at her teacher carefully, "What?"

Sasuke glared, 'What the hell is he going at…?"

Kakashi smirked behind his mask and shoved the piece of paper into her tiny hands, "Read this."

Sasuke flinched and made a grab for it, immediately recognizing the damned paper.

Sakura moved out of his reach and smiled, "Don't worry Sasuke."

His eye twitched, "NO! Don't read it! It's a TRICK!"

_Silence_…tumbleweed whips by…

Kakashi struck a thumbs up, ignoring Sasuke's erm-outburst, "Go on."

Sakura flipped open the paper and immediately went into shock.

Whatever was on the piece of paper, you ask? Let's see…

_I would love to have you, Sakura, as a new model for Icha Icha Paradise. Kakashi has personally spoken highly of your (ahem) assets. Drop by the Hidden Village of Grass if you get the chance._

_Jiraiya._

"Ka-ka-shi…" her fist crackled with chakra.

'What the…' Sasuke stepped away from the obviously angry Sakura. Which usually happened when she spoke in just syllables...

Naruto mentally slapped himself in the forehead, "Not again…"

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN! I'M GONNA **KILL** YOU!"

* * *

_Target found. Plan SasuSaku is operational…_

Hatake, Kakashi was sent to the hospital today all because he was a stupid old perverted ninja…enough said…

_Day 1 finished._

_------_

So…good, bad, so-so? Understand it? Questions, comments? Also…what's a beta reader?


	2. Tip 2: Haruno Sakura

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: Thank you all who reviewed… (Tears) I'm so happy… (Cries profusely) Also thank you Foxie Fire for volunteering to beta-read! (Sorry I didn't come to you first to read the chapter but…school equals homework which equals soul-sucking brainless amount of time left to hurry a chapter in. Like I said…I'm SORRY!)

Disclaimer: Yes, I own Naruto! (Horde of evil, psychotic lawyers) Erm…never mind…

Tip 2: Haruno Sakura

_Haruno, Sakura:_

_Single, hot female with an erm-eccentric inner self that if provoked will wreak major pain-age…_

"Kakashi-sensei, why are you hiding in a bush?"

_She's extremely smart…especially in the human anatomy (meow), is seventeen years old with an hmmm…curvaceous body, and is the second apprentice of the scary fifth hokage._

"What was that…?" Crack.

_And her one true love is a self-centered bastard with no people skills WHAT-SO-EVER, also left HER for a scheming, low-life, HOMOSEXUAL snake that by-the-way caused insufferable BRAIN scarring because of a certain incident involving a rotating bed. She-OH hi Sasuke-_

**KA-POW!**

"Sasuke-kun…"

* * *

_Rule Number 2 in Kakashi's book for stup- I mean for the romantically-challenged:_

_Never, EVER insult a female…especially if she is a kunoichi!_

* * *

Top five reasons why Sasuke Uchiha HATES with the utmost passion rain: 

5. No training…how in the hell is he going to get stronger if he can't train.

4. Its annoying…every single drop of water echoing in the deepest ridges of his mind. Damn ninja senses and enhanced hearing…DAMN it all!

3. His irritating blond teammate who just happens to be in the same room as him visiting their injured sensei…Sasuke glared at Naruto, who is glaring back. STARING CONTEST! _10 minutes later_…still going at it…

2. Its wet…He hates the feeling of cold droplets pelting his once-dry and should be dry pale skin. 'So troublesome…' Sasuke twitched and mentally slapped himself, 'Great now I'm sounding like Shikamaru…'

And the number 1 reason why Sasuke Uchiha loathes rain…a certain pink-haired green-eyed female LOVES it.

It was true, as Sakura Haruno announced already _fifty_ times, she loved the rain. Every flipping aspect of it…from how it felt on her skin to the way it helped the environment. 

And as Sasuke, the ever sarcastic pessimist of Team 7 asked her one _little_ question. And Sakura, being the ever bubbly cheerful girl that she was…snapped.

Let's rewind a bit…:

* * *

Sasuke eyed the _frighteningly _cheerful kunoichi, wasn't rain supposed to oh-I-don't-know _depress _people? Obviously, Sakura didn't get the point. So Sasuke did what any other angsty, anti-social, _hot _shinobi would do…question said teammate's sanity. 

"Are you on drugs?"

_Twitch._

Kakashi rolled his eye, with much difficulty, Sasuke may be the number one rookie of his class but he was CLUELESS when it came to girls and whether not to question one's thinking abilities. It'll only be a matter of seconds before Sakura turn evil, psycho woman…poor, poor Sasuke…

_5, 4, 3, 2-**POW!**_

Kakashi blinked slowly, well that went fast…

Naruto shook his head and leaned back in his chair, for once he was being the "mature one" of the group. Suddenly his chair slid and fell back…oh yeah, REAL mature.

Top thing added to Sasuke's hate list: Sakura's inhuman strength…damn her.

* * *

"Do we really have to go?" Inuzuka Kiba scowled as Team 8 followed the yellow brick- I mean familiar _wet _path towards the hospital. 

A certain red-eyed female jounin cracked her fingers slightly, Kiba was grating on her last nerves, "Kiba…_deal with it_!"

"I agree your voice is ever so loud." Aburame Shino ran a hand through his now slick hair.

Hinata pressed her two index fingers (A.K.A: The Shy Look), "K-Kiba-kun d-don't b-b-be s-so rude…"

Kiba stared at the white-eyed heiress and scoffed, "So…are we there yet?"

"No…"

Kiba took a moment, "Are we there yet?"

"Does it look like we're there, Kiba?" Shino spoke deadpanned.

"Hmmm…no…Are we there yet?"

Hinata gave a soft sigh, knowing where this was going. No doubt Kiba would continue his weird source of entertainment, that being annoying his fellow teammates, and Shino would answer _sometimes_ if ever.

Hinata glanced at her sensei through the rain; she was calm and collected… so far. The Hyuga heiress could feel the danger signs flashing bright red, not to mention the spiraling chakra flaring every now and then…

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"…"

"Are we there yet?"

"…"

Hinata softly shuffled away from Shino and Kurenai-sensei, "K-Kiba-kun I t-think y-you sh-should stop…"

_Woof! _Kiba chuckled and patted the giganto dog on the head.

"That's right Aka-Wait a minute!" Kiba eyed his faithful companion carefully.

"What do you mean Shino and old Kurenai-sensei are planning on tying me to a tree and leaving me out here to die and have icky bugs eat away at my dead carcass and damn me to well-_down there_!" Kiba waved his arms frantically to prove his point.

Hinata shook her head and coughed, this might take awhile…

* * *

_Glare._

_Glare._

_Sigh._ Kakashi watched his star-pupils go at each other. It may not be _physical_ but he could feel the killing intent fizzing between them. Which made Kakashi-sensei ever so curious…? Wasn't Sakura supposed to be oh-I-don't-know Sasuke's _biggest _fan girl _EVER _in the existence of Konoha? So…why is Sakura _literally_ sending killing signals to her supposed-to-be one true love? It was nagging at him all day…He was curious what could he say.

So curious that Kakashi was willing to sacrifice another limb to be shattered and cast away…

Stupid pervert…when will he learn…

* * *

"Sakura-chan…" A pink-haired head twirled around facing her curious sensei. 

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura felt a deep pool of guilt bubbling in her stomach. Maybe she went a _little_ too harsh on him. Ok, yeah he was being perverted but isn't that how the silver-haired jounin usually acts?

He took a breath and plunged into the unexpected, "Are you having your period, Sakura?"

Crack.

Sakura's guilt trip cracked in two, "What. Did. You. Say?"

'Oh crap…'

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHUUUUUHHHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"U-um…K-Kurenai-s-sensei w-what was t-that…?" Hinata watched the hospital slightly reluctant to enter. 

Kiba eyed the hospital warily, "I hate hospitals…"

Hinata moved her pale opal gaze to Kiba; she had briefly forgotten the dog-lover for a moment there. Ever since Shino and Kurenai did their "persuasion tactic" with Kiba, that being leaving the young Hyuga all alone on the road, he's been quiet as a mouse. Or bug…or whatever…

"Well we came here in the rain and cold so this better be worth it…" everyone gaped at Shino. 15 WORDS…wow that's got to be a new world record PLUS the dots!

Shino raised a dark eyebrow, "What?"

"Well Kakashi better have something good for us, because I did not just come here to waste my day-off." Kurenai stared at the hospital haughtily.

"So…why did you come here for, Kurenai-sensei?"

Blush.

"Well then! Let's go in shall we!" the new hyper-active Kurenai laughed nervously.

"That was new…"

* * *

He was scared. 

Correction…he was _terrified_!

Naruto knew Sakura could be well…"emotional" but he didn't understand. He _couldn't _understand.

"Hey, hey Sasuke-teme…?" Naruto poked his equally horrified teammate.

Sasuke scowled and batted his finger away from him, "What, dobe?"

"What's a 'period'? Is it some fancy new jutsu old Tsunade taught her?"

And right then and now Sasuke's world came crashing down…

'Don't tell me…he's never…' Sasuke almost fell out of his chair. Luckily Sakura was too absorbed in her Let's-see-how-many-times-we-can-break-Kakashi-sensei's-bones game.

"So…what is it?"

Sasuke fidgeted; there was no way in heaven or hell that could get the great Uchiha Sasuke to tell dead-last Uzumaki Naruto _that _talk. "Dobe…has anyone ever told you…_the talk_?"

Naruto blinked several times, "What talk?"

"You know…_the talk_..."

"What the hell are you talking about, Sasuke-teme?"

"Sex, you dobe!" Everyone stared at Sasuke.

'Oh crap…'

* * *

Meanwhile, outside, Team 8 decided to go for a _LONG_ walk _FAR_ away from the hospital and to never…_EVER_ speak, go near, or associate with Uchiha Sasuke…

* * *

"Sakura, I can explain…" 

"You…ALL ARE PERVERTS!"

BAM!

Top two people on Sasuke's list of people to kill…a certain blond and perverted jounin…the end.

_Day 2 finished._

* * *

WOW! 31 reviews on _ONE_ chapter! That's got to be the best I ever did…Hopefully I'll get to 100 reviews soon! Thanks! Cookies for everyone! 

Edit: 34 REVIEWS!


	3. Tip 3: Uzumaki Naruto

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: I made a decision and I've decided to add more couples! (Sasuke- You dobe, you already _made _that decision _long_ time ago.) ANYWHO…the couples will be: Sasuke/Sakura, Naruto/Hinata, Neji/Tenten, Shikamaru? Not sure about this one…a lot of people like the Shika/Temari pairing then there's the Shika/Ino pairing…Oh and maybe more…still thinking…

A/N: I'm such a…IDIOT! (Bangs head off wall) GAH! I'm sorry Saiyanfanatics…I feel bad now…Hmmm…I know! I'll dedicate a chapter for you guys! Not this one though…I think you'll like Shikamaru's chapter better for a dedication…I think…

A/N: (Sigh) I'm sorry…again…just got a flame saying how similar my story is to another…I'm not mad, just overly depressed. Would it make you guys better if I just took my story off, period? I really don't want to…personally this is the first fanfic I ever done that got me over 30 reviews in one chapter. I was really happy but if this story is too…troublesome I would willingly remove it. Just give me your thoughts.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto…I would have so much Sasu/Saku in it, it will make any other Sasu or Saku/other pairing replay _One Thousand Years of Death_ Jutsu over and over again.

Tip 3: Uzumaki Naruto

_Uzumaki, Naruto:_

_Konoha's most hyper-active, knuckle-head ninja, seventeen years of age (though acts like a five year old…), is believed to have serious mental damage caused by constant fists in the head…_

"Kakashi-sensei…shouldn't you like be in bed?"

_Is, in simple terms, a loud-mouthed idiot, and has a secret ramen fetish (I suggest, Hinata-chan, you go to the cosplay shop sometime soon…wink, wink)_

"What the hell…!"

_Also…he has a stuffed bunny by the name of Mr. Tinkles who looks oddly like Sakura and practices smooches with it…_

"I SWEAR Sasuke-teme, he's LYING!"

"Too. Late."

_Oh my…_

* * *

_Rule Number 3 in Kakashi's book of por-erm dating advice:_

_Denial of the truth…all you need is a little PUSH!_

* * *

Naruto rubbed his head absent-mindedly as he walked down his usual meet-Team-7-path. The rain had stopped; hallelujah…Personally Naruto would rather be away from his currently-out-of-order teammates. After the "period incident" as Kakashi liked to put it. And everyone thought he was strange…He had a freaking fox in him! And that meant a lot…

The bright sunlight gleamed through the leaves sending patches of light and fluorescent green on the pathway. No doubt they wouldn't have training today. Because of said sensei got beaten to a sorry icky pulpy mess. Eww…

_Crack._

Uzumaki Naruto…died from an accidental freak heart attack…so much for being a ninja.

* * *

A pink-haired kunoichi tapped her fingers on the bridge railing. She was bored…B. O. R. E. D.

"Would you stop that?" Sakura's head spun over to her left. A certain dark-haired Uchiha leaned coolly on the rail. His eyes were closed as if shutting the world off.

Sakura blushed crimson and mumbled a soft sorry. 'Sasuke-kun is cold again…' To tell you the truth, these past two days Sakura felt the happiest in a long while. Well…scratch a certain silver-haired sensei being EXTRA perverted and everyone avoiding them…you get the idea!

Forty-eight hours this whole strange fiasco started, it made our dear kunoichi wonder…was Sasuke finally opening up to them? Sakura really couldn't blame him for hating them for an eternity…he did get beaten up and _literally_ dragged _back_ from Point A to Point B. Far…_far…FAR _away…

What to do…what to do…?

Start a conversation and _slowly_ spring up the question?

Sakura shook her head furiously, they called Sasuke the number one rookie of their class for a reason you know.

Attack unsuspecting Sasuke with newly acquired and specially honed strength and force him to answer…?

Now that idea would probably inflict "accidental" death to Sasuke or… (Gulp) suicide for Sakura. Oh the pain…

Truth serum…?

Hell. No.

Just ask the question?

HA HA HA HA! You're FUNNY…oh…you weren't joking…

Sakura scowled, she JUST wanted to ask ONE little question…ok maybe not so little.

"You know, Sakura, when you keep mumbling to yourself people will think you're a bit mental."

_Click._

The little black box in the deepest ridges of Sakura's mind snapped open. A small squeaky laugh erupted from the dark box…

Hello Inner Sakura!

_Goodbye_ Uchiha Sasuke…

* * *

Hinata panicked slightly.

No…that's not right…

More like outright having a panic attack complete with sweat bullets and incoherent curses and mumbles.

Hinata wrung her hands out and kneeled beside a certain unconscious blond form.

She just wanted to get carrots. Yeah, you heard me, C-A-R-R-O-T-S! Neji-kun always did say carrots were good for the eyesight…And on her merry little way back home with her eye-enhancers-I mean carrots she found a kunai embedded in a tree. On that said tree were a huge heart and two names.

Sasuke and Sakura FOREVER! With kisses and huggies, too!

Hinata placed her bag ON the ROAD within her line of eyesight to inspect the (cough) obvious sign.

'This is definitely not Sakura's handwriting…' the young Hyuga may not be professional copiers like Kakashi-sensei or Sasuke but she could tell the difference.

GASP!

Could it be…?

This was SASUKE'S doing?

To be honest, Hinata never really saw the Uchiha heir's handwriting. It was logical…who else would write something like that on a poor defenseless tree. Indeed, Hinata was an environmentalist all the way. To think someone had purposefully defaced a home of several furry creatures. For instance, squirrels. They were so fluffy and nice and cute and just so…fluffy! Despite their common stupidity with well-cleaned windows and glass doors…HEY! You would do the same if there was a steaming pecan pie with your furry little name on it only to be smashed into a glass door.

Hinata twirled around sensing her curiosity will have to wait and a freshly cleaned carrot was waiting to be devoured in her nice home. That would have been nice if…HER carrots weren't MISSING!

Missing with a capital M!

Up, down, right, left! Where oh where were Hinata's carrots! A shrill squeak caught the opal-eyed heiress. A squirrel…a flipping fuzzy-tailed, brown eyes, bucktooth squirrel STOLE her carrots.

Oh…my…god…

"Mr. Squirrel c-can I h-have m-my c-carrots back…p-please…?"

Squeak.

Hinata took that as a no.

"P-please…?"

_Clunk._

Hinata blinked. The devil fluff threw an acorn at her. An ACORN…

5, 4, 3, 2, 1…SCREW the trees! That squirrel is GOING DOWN! Determined and fueled with unknown hatred to squirrels, Hinata gripped the kunai in her right.

Mr. Squirrel I got a present for you…

* * *

Meanwhile…Gai's team packs up for a trip to the mountains…

"My squirrel senses are tingling!" Lee twirled his bowl-cut head around.

"Um…Lee?"

Lee suddenly leaped in front of his female teammate, "Yes, Tenten! Does the youthful sound of youth call to you!"

"First off Lee, six feet away at all times," Lee took a long stride back, "thank you, and next you don't LIKE squirrels."

Blink.

"HA! Tenten, my youthful female companion that is where you are wrong! I do not hate squirrels; squirrels pave the way to the dream of eternal youthfulness!"

Blink.

Blink.

"Squirrels?"

Lee nodded his head furiously but before he could speak another "youthful" word a hand clamped over his mouth.

"Lee, get ready and stop talking." Neji let his equally opal gaze to set on Tenten.

"And I don't see you finished either." Tenten blushed softly and rolled her eyes.

"We shouldn't even be in the story yet."

"My youthful students! Are we ready to start our sunshine-filled journey to deepest realms of the youth?" Gai smiled making is teeth go _ping_!

"We're just going to the mountains behind Hokage Mountain."

Gasp.

"My squirrel senses are tingling! Lee, my youthful student, do you feel that!"

Oh god.

Back to Sasuke and Sakura…

* * *

"Sakura! Be reasonable here! AGH!" Sasuke dodged a fist just barely...But enough to send him spiraling backwards into a tree by the momentum of a certain raving kunoichi's chakra-filled fist.

Sakura gave him a sickeningly sweet smile and raised her fist, "Now who's being _mental _now, Sa-su-ke-kun?"

Sasuke clawed the ground sharply, to think he used to like her…

_Ha! You admit it! (Inner Sasuke speaking)_

'Who the…WHO are YOU!'

_How stupid are you. I'm the little voice in your sick mind who speaks your true feelings!_

'What feelings do you speak of? I HAVE no feelings.'

_Right. Now back to the issue-_

'You don't believe me!'

_Let me think…no._

'…damn you…'

_Want proof?_

'That would be nice…dobe.'

_That was mean…ok proof, you want proof! Remember the Christmas party when fuzzy-brows tried to kiss Sakura…?_

'Maybe…'

_Remember when his arm was reaching over…his hands on her shoulder, lips puckered up ready to-_

'NOOO!'

_I see I've proved my point…_

'…'

_Speechless, I know…I'm THAT good._

'…dobe…'

_I love you too._

'Shut the hell up!'

…

'Speechless now are we.'

_I suggest you duck._

'Wha…' Sasuke blinked. Oh my…

_POW!_

* * *

Blue eyes blinked slowly meeting milky white. "HINATA!"

Glomp.

Blush times a zillion! "N-nice to s-see y-you t-too, N-Naruto-kun…"

Naruto let Hinata go and blushed softly, "Wow! I had the weirdest dream, Hinata-chan!"

Blink.

"You were in it! And…" Naruto stopped suddenly and scratched his head.

Hinata tilted her head. "Well what do you know…I kinda…forgot…?" Naruto gave a nervous laugh.

Hinata sighed, "Oh Naruto…"

"Well…I better be going. Kakashi-sensei must be waiting for me, future Hokage, to arrive! Hinata…why are you staring at me?"

Hinata gaped and started to poke her forehead hastily. Naruto touched his forehead…no forehead protector…

A hint of silver peeked behind a tattered plastic bag. "AH! There it is!"

A weight clutched his arm. "Your forehead…N-Naruto-kun…i-it g-got something w-written on i-it…"

"Eh?"

Hinata boldly grasped his orange-clad arm and led him to a puddle.

Naruto warily peered in the murky depths…

Dun.

Dun.

DUN!

Naruto lurves Hinata-chan FOREVER! Long live Naru/Hina!

"OMIGOD!"

* * *

"Kakashi-san, you loser, you spelled love wrong!" Kurenai glared at the snickering jounin to her left.

"It'll take him WEEKS to get that pen off!" Kakashi almost toppled off the roof laughing his behind off.

Kurenai shook her head, "You're hopeless…"

"Long live Icha Icha Paradise!"

"Like I said…hopeless…"

Kurenai gazed down to notice the two ninjas watching them, "Um…Kakashi-san…"

"Yes, my partner in crime."

Kurenai sweat-dropped, "As much as this position sounds…erm-compromising…I just realized I got…ninja…stuff to um do…now."

Kakashi blinked.

"Um…well…See you at the hospital!"

Crack.

"Ka-ka-shi-sen-sei…"

Poor, poor Kakashi…thought he wouldn't get hurt…_stupid_.

* * *

_Operation NaruHina operational!_

_Day 3 finished._

* * *

A/N: This may be the most random thing I ever written in like…EVER! Don't worry I'll have romance by next chapter...so...Read and Review!

My squirrel senses are saying you want to review…


	4. Tip 4: Hyuga Hinata

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: Oh…my…god! 83 reviews! THANK YOU! I LUV YOU ALL! This chapter is to my wonderful friends back home! Live it, love it, and_ breathe _it!

Oh yeah I just remembered…I'm NEVER gonna take this story off! So long live dating tips from Kakashi-sensei!

A/N: Uh…yeah…Got a lot of reviews saying they want Shikamaru and Ino so…yeah when their chapters come up be afraid…be VERY afraid…

A/N: Sorry for the annoying long absence, blame writer's block! GOSH DARN YOU! Uh…gosh…?

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…period.

* * *

Tip 4: Hyuga Hinata

_Hyuga, Hinata:_

_Pretty little Hyuga who's extremely shy (a little too shy…yup.), is seventeen years of age and has an inferiority complex since who knows when… (Complete opposite of Sasuke that's for sure…)_

"…! E-eh! O-oh Kakashi-sensei i-it's you."

_Has a crush on… (**Plays tape**) "Konoha's Number One Ninja slash Hokage!"… (**Stops tape)**, erm-yeah Naruto…right…, also a Byakugan user (I'll bet a dollar she does peek-a-boo with a certain dead-last…giggle)_

"W-who are y-you t-talking to K-Kakashi-sensei…?"

_Also…she is secretly the president of We-Hate-Squirrels Clu-_

"HINATA-CHAN!"

Squish.

"N-Naruto…I think you killed Kakashi-sensei…"

_Ow…_

* * *

_Rule Number 4 in Kakashi's sacred book of…stuff…:_

_Eight world wonder…Girl's MINDS!_

* * *

Sarutobi Asuma's Top Hit List:

3. Kakashi

2. …Kakashi…

1. KAKASHI! Damn him…

The jounin tapped his sandaled foot on the grassy bank he was standing over. His dark eyebrow twitched ever so slightly to the sound of muffled familiar bickering. Oh Kakashi was going to get it _SO _bad… The bottom of his cigarette flared, Asuma was mad…no…more liked pissed off.

In the back of his dark, hell-bent mind a mini version of Asuma was stabbing a doll of some sort. Let's take a closer at this poor specimen.

And closer…

Closer…

_Closer_…

OH MY GOD! It's…it's a Kakashi-DOLL! With sick perverted action and lame late excuses included…available for a limited time.

Cough, cough…wow…ANYWAY!

Meanwhile with our wonderful Team 7…

* * *

"Why isn't Kakashi-sensei going to train us!" Naruto flail his arms around.

WHIP-POW!

"SHUT UP! It's _your _fault this happened anyway!" Sakura removed her fist from Naruto's unlucky cranium.

"Nu-uh."

"Ya-huh."

"Nu-uh."

"Ya-huh."

"NU-UH!"

"YA-HUH!"

"NOW YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!"

_Silence_…

Sakura blushed slightly, "Sorry Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke shut his mouth and grinded his teeth, damn her and her innocent cuteness.

_Oh you called her CUTE… (Inner Sasuke speaking)_

'Dear god no…'

_YES! I am BACK!_

'Why you don't annoy someone else."

_That would be nice but making fun of your misery is more fun._

'You…never mind just leave me alone.'

_Someone's grumpy today…_

'I wonder why.'

_AND sarcastic too…I feel sorry for your friends._

'They're not my friends.'

_Liar, liar plants for hire!_

'Its pants on fire, dip-wad.'

_Whatever, girlfriend!_

'Did you just call me _girlfriend_?'

_Ain't nothing like a bag of potato chips._

'…I'm outta here…'

_EH? What I do!_

Uchiha, Sasuke signing off.

"YO! Earth to evil chicken head! Are you there!" Naruto waved a hand in from of his face.

Sasuke brushed past Naruto and gripped Sakura's arm, "We're going to be late."

Sakura nodded.

"HEY! Don't LEAVE me! The great HOKAGE!"

* * *

"Erm right…All you little midget ninjas come here." Asuma waved his hand toward the group of chunnins.

"NOT A MIDGET!" Naruto shouted _loudly_.

"So troublesome." Nara Shikamaru put his hands behind his head.

Naruto directed his glare toward the lazy shinobi.

"S-sorry w-we're l-late…" Hinata fumbled with the string on her hoodie.

"HINATA-CHAN!"

Blush.

"N-Naruto-kun…"

"Can we please leave now?" Shino pushed his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Oh please! You just wanna talk to your little freaky buggy things." Ino gave a high-pitched squeal as…EVIL horde of mini-Shino bugs attacked.

* * *

"Ah right men! Attack the evil stupid blonde human!"

Mini ninja bug formations, "YEAH!"

* * *

"Midget ninjas…SHUT UP!"

_And more silence…_

Asuma-sensei coughed slightly and puffed a billow of smoke, "Listen here, I don't want to be around you little brats either but you need adult supervision so…SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLES!"

"Oh pie…what flavor?"

"Shut. Up. Choji."

"Hey Mr. Smoker-dude-person! Why do we need adult supervision! We're not some little kids!" Naruto waved his hand in the air to attract attention.

Poke.

"You little twerp that's the whole point, you kids are still underage and besides half of you have some kind of criminal record." Asuma poked Naruto in the forehead.

"Well why you Smoker dude?"

"Don't call me that. It wasn't MY idea. Everyone else is busy."

Naruto looked disbelieving, "Why not Iruka-sensei?"

"He's teaching a class, stupid."

Think.

"Kurenai-sensei?"

"Mission at the Waterfall Village."

Think, think.

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"You imbecile you almost decapitated him, remember?"

Think, think, think.

"OH! I know…Super Fuzzy Brows!"

"Do you REALLY want to be around THAT guy?"

Thin-BOOM!

Naruto's brain turned to mush!

"That's it?"

"That's it."

_Silence of DOOM!_

"Can we please go?"

* * *

Meanwhile in Kakashi's comfy, pain-free, not-a-single-noise, _peaceful_ room…

"KAKASHI!"

Or…was peaceful and pain-free…

Shizune blinked ever so slowly; surely this was not the great Copy-Ninja Hatake Kakashi.

Blink.

Nah, the Copy Nin would be training the ever infamous Team 7 not sitting on his rear giggling oddly with several _orange _books littered around his hospital bed and stand.

Surely not.

But she had to look, just had to. It was nagging at her like one of Shino's bugs eating her insides away. Shizune could faintly recall a saying, what was it again…? Oh yeah…Curiosity killed the cat.

Tsunade had warned her before her usual errands around the hospital that some strange events were happening lately in Konoha. But Tsunade, of course, went on her daily drinking escapades the night before…so…yeah.

Now Shizune wasn't so sure anymore.

It wasn't as if this never happened before. I mean seriously…Konoha _is _a strange place. We got evil nine-tailed fox demons, psychopathic clans, weird bloodlines, ramen fetish, toads, snakes, slugs, OH and did I mention _psychopathic_ clans.

Shizune sighed; it almost made her feel like an attraction at some freak show. But _this_…_this_ was new.

Never in the history of Konoha has there been a _matchmaker_ problem. Oh sure Shizune has seen the romantic tension between the young kunoichis and shinobis. She wasn't stupid unlike those little hormone-driven teenagers.

She just didn't think our own Hatake Kakashi would get his rear kicked for something like this.

"Oi! Shizune, why is it that you burst through my room?"

Shizune watched Kakashi briefly before bowing slightly, "It was nothing, just a little worried that's all."

Kakashi eyed her before leaning back, "Always the worry-wart. Always."

* * *

"Now listen here, I'm not in a good mood today. And I'm not your babysitter, I'm an elite ninja and if any of you midgets have any problems I suggest you leave." Asuma turned the corner and stopped before a cream colored door.

_Jounin Lounge_…this is going to be bad…VERY bad…

Shikamaru batted his hand and opened the door, "So troublesome…"

"And for god's sake don't BREAK or TOUCH anything!"

Naruto stared at a glass vase with intricate vines weaving along the glossy surface, his finger poised to touch it, "Ohhhh…"

"DON'T. TOUCH." Asuma whacked the blond painfully on the head. Didn't he just say don't break-slash-touch _anything_…I do believe he did…

Naruto gave the vase another mischievous glance before being dragged by the collar of his orange and black jacket.

Asuma sighed and plopped on the couch, "Just watch some TV and be _quiet_."

"HEY! TEME! What's this button do!"

Asuma mentally slapped himself, oh forget it, he had enough.

"Might as well check out what's on…" Kiba took the bulky remote and pressed the pretty red button.

_Channel 2_…

"Hey, Sasuke-teme did you ever notice there's no Channel number 1?"

Sasuke stared at the boy, "What kind a question is that, dobe?"

Naruto huffed, "A smart question."

"Dunce."

"At least I'm not stupid!"

"You idiot, that's the same thing."

"Nope."

"…Screw you…Go read a dictionary."

Sakura shoved the two to make room in between them, "Just change the channel, Kiba, all this is, is news."

_Channel 3_…

"HI KIDS! I'm the big purple dinosaur, BARNEY! Let's play!"

"TURN IT OFF!"

Kiba scrambled with the remote and turned it off.

Ino rubbed her head, "That was scary."

"No…that was BEYOND scary." Everyone nodded.

Sakura unlatched herself from a blue-faced Sasuke's neck, "I'm sure that's the worst…Turn it back on, Kiba."

Kiba gulped and quickly turned on the TV and changed the channel.

_Channel 4_…

"TELETUBBIES!" a squealing clash of purple, yellow, green, and red jumped from a hole and started dancing.

No doubt the hole was probably from the fiery depths of he-

"HELLO!"

A horrified scream or two, someone fainted, two or three people committed suicide…

"MY EYES! THE PAIN…THE PAIN!"

"CHANGE THE CHANNEL!"

Kiba blindly pressed a random button…

_Channel 27_…

Dun…

Dun…

DUN…

"HEY! You kids ready for some wig-tastical FUN! Let's SING!" a bunch of badly-accented men giggled girlishly.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"MY INNOCENCE!"

Asuma grabbed the remote and pressed another random number…

_Channel 65_…

"This is KMV, Konoha's Music Videos, with some _spanking _new music…!"

Whew.

Shikamaru opened an eye, "That…was bad."

Kiba gave a shudder and glanced at Shino, "Oi, Shino, you ok?"

No reply.

Kiba arched an eyebrow and poked Shino, "Are you ignoring me?"

No reply.

Suddenly…Shino fell off his seat…

"OH MY GOD! WE KILLED SHINO!"

"It's the new music trend sweeping the ninja nation!"

_Silence_…

"I got a BAD feeling about this…" Choji backed away from the TV slowly.

"I like…BIG BUTTS, AND I CANNOT LIE!-"

"THE HORROR!"

"THE BUTTS!"

Meanwhile with Tsunade-sama…

* * *

"Did you hear that?" a pen stopped scribbling over a piece of paper.

Shizune stared out the window, "Must be the wind…"

Tsunade sighed and unraveled a scroll, "I heard you visited Kakashi this morning."

"I did."

"So…," Shizune watched the Godaime from behind the scroll, "what happened?"

"Nothing important to report." And it was true, other than the increase in injuries from god-knows-where and the higher level of perverted-ness nothing was out of the ordinary. And besides…wasn't Kakashi already a big pervert?

Brown eyes flitted over to the unusually calm apprentice, "Oh?"

A wooden chair scrapped the ground. Shizune peered at the cough erm-curvy Godaime. "Where are you going, Hokage-sama?"

"Out."

"Out? Out where…?" the natural cautious nature of Shizune flooded out.

Big doe-like brown eyes with sparkly cuteness bore into dark eyes. A large clump of sweat, otherwise known as a sweat drop, appeared in the back of Shizune's head.

"Can I go pweeze?

To think our great Hokage was using such a low tactic…she'd probably win, too.

"Erm…ok…?"

A large cloud burst right from under her nose; Shizune's teary eyes blinked, what was that about…?

* * *

"And now we add a stick of butter to the sugar. Remember counter-clockwise turns and make sure-"

"Boring…" Ino pressed the channel up button.

"I can't TAKE it anymore!" Naruto stood up suddenly and kicked the couch where Asuma-sensei was lounging.

"What the hell do you want?"

"We're bored."

"Not my problem."

"You know, Asuma-sensei, SOME of us have _a lot_ of sources where we can change certain mission reports."

Asuma glared at the pink-haired kunoichi, "And what about it?"

She tapped a finger to her bubblegum lips, "It would be oh so horrible if things were to _slip_ to someone…someone like the Godaime…"

Great…now he was being blackmailed by a seventeen year old girl…

"Very sly, Haruno, very sly."

Ino gave a scoff, "We're kunoichi, right Hinata?"

Hinata gave a delicate shade of pink, "R-right."

Naruto cocked his head to the side and grinned, Hinata-chan was so cute when she was shy…which was like all the time...

* * *

_What are you babbling about now…? (Kyuubi speaking)_

'WHO ARE YOU!'

_I'm the voice of god telling you to get a brain…WHO do you think I am!_

'Uh…god why are you in my head?'

_For the love of…I'm the nine-tail fox! You know you're flipping chakra support line!_

'Oh...GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'

_I wish I could but unfortunately I can't._

'OUT I SAY!'

_I'm not a flipping dog you idiot, I'm trapped here._

'Oh…so why are YOU talking to ME?'

_You woke me up from my nap with your incessant crap._

'Sorry.'

_Too late for that._

'Besides I'm gonna be HOKAGE some day and-'

_Oh please, not this crap again._

'It's not crap, you're crap!'

_Say that to my face, you puny human._

'Well this puny human's gonna kick your-'

_Who's that?_

'Huh…who?'

_That girl with the dark-hair._

'Ino…?'

_Not the blonde! The girl beside the pinky…_

'That's Hinata-chan!'

_Hinata…Wasn't she the one you were swooning over?_

'Eh…no that's Sakura."

_Sakura…isn't she the Uchiha brat's girlfriend?_

'Teme…have a girlfriend…HA! Never! But yeah he likes her…sort of…I think…hmmm…'

_Don't think too hard you'll blow a fuse. So this "Hinata-chan" she's cute…in a different sort of way._

Blush.

'Y-you think…she's c-cute…?'

_Do you LIKE her…?_

'…A-ah I d-don't…know…'

_Ask her out or whatever you midget ninjas do to socialize with the opposite sex._

'HUH? Not a midget…'

_I don't care. You don't have to ask her._

* * *

"There are movies in the compartment next to the closet." Asuma bonked Naruto on the head.

"Smoker dude that hurt!"

"Just get a movie!" Ino shoved Naruto.

Naruto grumbled, "Let's get a movie, Hinata-chan!"

"H-huh…?" Hinata felt her hand being pulled along with the rest of her body and dragged across the room.

* * *

"I swear he's mentally disabled or something." Ino glared at the blond ninja as he skipped happily with a shocked Hinata.

Sakura shook her head, "It could worse. He could break something…"

"Dobe."

"Um…Smoker dude!"

Asuma grumbled incoherent words, "WHAT!"

"Why do you have _Finding Nemo_ in a Jounin lounge?"

_Silence…_

Gulp.

"J-just choose a movie, already!"

* * *

"So…what movie do you want to see?" Naruto tilted his head toward the blushing heiress.

Her blush deepened, "O-oh I d-don't k-know…"

"I KNOW! Let's get ramen after this!" Naruto randomly yelled and patted Hinata's back.

Blush.

Opal eyes rolled back and Hinata went out with a BANG!

"Hinata-chan! What I DO?"

* * *

A lone onyx eye peered in the corner; his bandaged hand closed the book he was currently indulging, "To what do I deserve this visit, Tsunade-sama?"

"I want to join this little project of yours Kakashi." A smirk graced her ever-lasting face.

Kakashi folded his arms over his chest.

"Deal."

* * *

Blink.

"Wow…Hinata you took quite the fall. You ok?" Asuma helped the dizzy Hyuga up on her feet.

"M-my ap-pologies…"

Poke…

CRASH!

"You…IDIOT! YOU BROKE IT!" Asuma seethed as he caught Naruto by the collar. The expensive vase lay broken and shattered among the dust bunnies…

May it rest in pieces-I mean peace…

"HEY! Hey, let's watch the movie already! You ok, Hinata-chan!"

Hinata blushed and nodded her head.

Naruto grinned as the others gathered around the tiny television. "Ready…SET…G-"

"Just press the flipping button, dobe!"

"Fine then Mr. I-got-a-pole-up-my-butt…"

Kiba shut his eyes and ears, "Please don't say butt around me."

"TA-DA!" Naruto jammed his finger on the poor button.

_Fizz…BEEP!_

"We are pleased to show you the exciting documentary on our wonderful fluffy absolutely adorable woodland creatures, SQUIRRELS!"

Blink.

"Hey, this is the wrong tape!"

"…DIE SQUIRREL!"

OH. MY. GOD.

"HINATA! Don't kill the TV!"

* * *

Shizune stopped writing and blinked. She did not just hear a scream and evil giggles of laughter…did she?

Nah…must be the wind…

Meanwhile, Hinata just tried to Byakugan the TV's behind, Kakashi and Tsunade made an evil pact, and poor Team Gai fell in a ditch…

_Day 4 completed._

* * *

A/N: (GASP) finished this whole thing in a day…UGH…Should I put Kiba and Shino with anyone? Or should I just torture the two of them to kibbles and bits? I like the latter…MEH! Also the kiddy TV shows (If you didn't recognize it…) were Barney, Teletubbies, and The Wiggles. And I hope they all rot in the fiery hell that is flamers and gay critics. Read and review.

Squirrels are evil…press the pretty button and maybe they won't bother you…


	5. Tip 5: Inuzuka Kiba

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: OH MY GOD! 100 REVIEWS! My lifelong dream ever since I became a fan fiction writer…THANK YOU! (Dances around the computer…and trips) UGH!

First Reviewer: Ellamoony

Hundredth Reviewer: Matt and T.K.

A/N: Should Kakashi be with someone? Not sure, the choices are Anko, Kurenai, or Shizune. (Evil Laugh) Revenge is sweet…very sweet!

Disclaimer: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto not me…him…See! My name is DeAnna not him…ok…? Ok.

Tip 5: Inuzuka Kiba

_Inuzuka, Kiba:_

_Dog-lover with a bad case of the fleas and cocky-attitude disease, seventeen years of age (In dog years…I really have no idea), and his little (LIE!) doggy friend, Akamaru, usually helps with his big (MORE LIES!) missions…_

"What's that Akamaru…Kakashi is behind that huge statue of the Fifth Hokage?"

_Erm-well he's like the REALLY minor character (HA! I'm special-er…), but he has some good moments…I think…OH! And he smells like a dog and has some odd habit of flying tennis balls… (Catch the ball…stupid…)_

"I agree with you Akamaru, those are definitely NOT real. I mean seriously, LOOK at them! I mean…WOW! Those are BIGGER!"

_Personally I think he's…you know…"fixed", oh and he cried during that dog movie…what was it again…Oh YEAH…Lassie (Lassie come HOME!)-_

"PERVERT!"

Blink.

"What the hell, Kakashi! I was talking about the new beef dumplings they're serving now at the Ichiraku."

_Oh._

"Now who's the pervert…pervert."

_Damn._

* * *

_Rule number five of Kakashi's secret book for secret people on secret stuff:_

_Guys have feelings too…even if they are tiny._

* * *

Ah!

What a glorious day…the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and Kiba just fell in a hole…again…

Well…it _was_ a glorious day…

Why the young dog-trainer was not with his team we'll probably never know. Kiba brushed the dirt off his black shirt. He gave a low growl and set himself in a slow running pace through the village.

That was the seventh hole today! Kiba absently rubbed his sore behind in remembrance.

Why is this canine-like teen running through the streets of Konoha? Let us rewind a bit to this morning:

* * *

"KIBA! You get your butt down here this INSTANT!" a shrill voice reverberated off the walls of a certain ninja's room.

"Aw pipe-down woman, I'm coming down!"

Kiba reluctantly dragged his feet down the stairs as he made his way towards the kitchen. A cool dark eye watched him carefully, Kiba scowled fully aware of the intense stare from the head dog at his back.

He rubbed his already messy brown hair, "Where's Akamaru?"

"Isn't he out in the backyard?" Kiba leaned back in his chair to see the large glass sliding door.

Shake.

"Nope."

A middle-aged woman turned, "Odd…I swore I saw him out there this morning…"

CLICK!

And within Kiba's small, small…_small_ brain something clicked.

"HE'S GONE!"

Kiba's mother held her hands up in front of her, "I'm sure he just went for a walk."

"MOM, I know Akamaru! He doesn't go for walks!"

"Well maybe he went to the bathroom…?"

Silence.

"I don't think so…Where could he be!"

"Dead in the middle of a lonely alleyway with rats gnawing at his bones." Kiba's sister grabbed an apple and took a chomp out of it.

"MOM!"

Glare.

"Honestly! Don't say that!"

The slightly older girl waved the topic away and patted Kiba on the head, "Instead of yelling at us, why don't you go and FIND him."

Slam!

And with that Kiba was out the door faster than you can say kibbles and bits…or around there…

* * *

Kiba slowed his pace to a halt; now that he thought of it…he had _no idea_ where his canine companion was.

Kiba smacked himself in the forehead, just peachy!

"N-A-R-U-T-O!"

KA-BLOOIE!

Kiba smartly dodged the tree _trunk_ heading his way. Oh yeah…who was the coolest mixed-breed shinobi in the world…

Too bad he missed the several _sharp_ branches heading his way…

"OH MY GOD!"

* * *

Bright green eyes peered around the bridge. Sakura scratched her pink tresses, "Did you guys hear that?"

Immediately nursing the bump growing on his head Naruto sat upright, "Hmm…must have been an animal."

"Get up, dobe; you look like an idiot in the dirt." Sasuke opened his charcoal eyes.

Naruto jumped to his sandaled feet, "Well at least I don't look constipated."

"Say that again, I dare you."

"Love to. Well at least-"

"KIBA!" Naruto's voice died down as Sakura rushed towards the impaled shinobi.

* * *

Sakura pulled another dagger-like branch out of Kiba's arm, "So what brings you to this neck of woods?"

Kiba winced, "I'm looking for Akamaru. Have you seen him?"

Sakura glanced at him and gently bandaged his hand, "Um…no, I haven't."

Sasuke glared at Kiba, "If you don't mind, we have training. Come on Sakura."

"Well thanks anyway Sakura." Sakura gathered her things.

"I hope you find him soon, Kiba."

Foxy grin.

"Yeah mutt-face, we have a score to settle!" Naruto crossed his arms.

"I'll beat your face into the ground, stupid!" Kiba locked his fingers into a disappearing jutsu and left as suddenly as he came.

"Sasuke-kun, isn't it our day-off since Kakashi-sensei isn't here?" Sakura watched the dark-haired Uchiha tense up.

"Hey Sakura, you want to do something?"

Sakura's eyes sparkled, "YEAH! What are we going to do?"

Sasuke smirked and grabbed her fore-arm, "We're training."

Flabbergast!

"Wait…You TRICKED me! I changed my mind!" Sakura wiggled in his vice-grip but no avail.

'She smells like dog…' the last thought roamed the avenger's mind as cherry blossoms filled his senses.

* * *

Kiba dropped to the ground outside of a small shop. A bright blue sign, '_Konoha Pet's Supreme_' blared blindly under the sky-blue sky.

DING-a-LING!

The store bells jingled loudly making his appearance heard. Kiba had never really been in here before. Usually this was where the Inuzuka Clan bought their multi-vitamin soldier pills and excessive nutritional dog food. His mother or sister basically did most of the shopping.

She used to say men have no sense of the beauty of shopping. His father used to say shopping was another word for male-hell and those women get a kick out of it for fun.

"Hello…my dear, what can I do for you?" a smooth voice scared the living daylights out of Kiba.

He clutched his dark vest and looked to his right. The dark hairs at the back of his neck stood up.

The woman/man/_thing _tiredly watched him with murky gray eyes. Silvery hair slipped from the soft bun held by a snake ornament. The silk purple kimono was voluminous under the black obi adorned with spirals that were oddly shaped as snakes.

'Purple eye shadow…' Kiba cringed as the elder leered at him.

"What is it that you seek?" the tone was slightly impatient.

'Sparkly purple eye shadow…'

"I was wondering if you spotted a HUGE dog, he goes by the name Akamaru?"

The woman tapped a finger to her pale lips, "I'm afraid not…What was your name again?"

"Sparkly eye shadow! Erm…wait…its Inuzuka Kiba."

The elder smiled showing off long fangs, "Ki-chan…"

Twitch.

'Is this lady…HITTING on me?'

"Ki-chan…what pretty red stripes you have…" the woman purred as she traced his cheeks with a long nail.

_Oh…_

"Listen lady, I gotta go-"

She dug her nails in his already injured arm, "What soft brown hair you have…"

_My…_

"HEY! Don't _touch_ m-"

"Such delicate claws, your mom must be proud…" her arms tugged his vest.

_GOD!_

Kiba tore himself from her and pointed into a random direction, "Is that Brad Pitt!"

Her head shot to the left and Kiba dashed out of the store. A wizened hand grabbed the wrinkly skin of her high cheekbone and tore through it revealing smooth pale skin and golden eyes.

"Not as cute as my Sasuke-kun, though…"

COUGH, COUGH!

Ok…scary much?

* * *

Kiba's heavy body sunk into a lonely bench and let out a long breath. This was harder than he thought…He bent his head into his hands.

_Helpless…_

Where, oh where could Akamaru be?

_Why?_

Kiba smirked; Akamaru wasn't a _small_ dog anymore.

_How come…_

He frowned suddenly. Maybe he was looking at this all wrong.

_I am so…_

The EXTREMELY deep holes, the scratches on trees, his family's calm appearance…

_Helpless…?_

No…he wasn't helpless.

BLINK!

The mini light bulb blinked in the empty barren wasteland Kiba calls his _brain_.

"_Go…home…_" Kiba stood up straight, _home_…Akamaru was HOME!

Kiba blinked, how in seven hells can Akamaru be home?

"_What are you waiting for, stupid! GO!"_ Kiba jumped and sprinted away.

BASH!

"Naruto, you idiot! You scared him!" Sakura ground her fist into Naruto's head as Team 7 hid behind the bushes.

"OUCH!"

"This is so stupid…"

* * *

Meanwhile…in Konoha Hospital…

Sharp brown eyes glared into a lone charcoal eye. Sweat dabbed their eyebrows as they stared intently waiting for the final draw to end this madness…

"Royal…flush…"

"ARGH! I LOST…AGAIN!" Tsunade threw her hand of cards on the white linen hospital bed.

Sigh.

Kakashi and Tsunade decided to suspend their grand schemes of romance for a _small _game of poker.

Idiots…

* * *

Kiba slid the glass door with such floor it almost was knocked out of its hinges.

"AKAMARU!"

_Silence…_

WOOF!

A huge shadowy figure pounced on the poor unsuspecting, almost-got-molested-by-an-old-lady, traumatized boy.

Hooray!

Confetti burst before his slits for eyes and sneezed as the multicolored paper tickled his nose.

"Congratulations little bro! You passed the Inuzuka Clan TEST!" Kiba's sister pounced onto him and threw confetti everywhere.

Blink.

"Wait…this was a _test_?"

Nod.

"And I almost had a heart attack and almost got raped by some old chick down at the pet store?"

Blink.

"Erm…You got _WHAT_!"

Kiba smirked and closed his eyes. Anger ticked through his red-blooded veins.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1…and BLAST-OFF!

"YOU'RE _ALL_ IDIOTS!"

_Day 5 finished._

_Operation Scare-the-crap-out-of-Kiba a success._

* * *

A/N: Uh yeah…I had a lot of fun scaring the crap out of Kiba! So…did anyone figure out the "secret" character who tried to molest Kiba? Hmm…anyone? Also I want to say...I LOVE YOU ALL! SPARKLY PURPLE EYE SHADOW!

* * *

SPECIAL CHAPTER: Hinata's BIG day!

Small hands tugged nervously at the hem of her black vest. Hinata twiddled her thumbs as she looked from side to side on the road passing the Ichiraku. The delicate heiress wasn't nervous…NAH! She was _bursting _with hyper-ness and excitement.

Just who are you kidding?

Hinata was practically sweating bullets as a familiar tuft of blond hair came into view.

Blush.

Ok Hinata, breath…BREATH damn it!

_He's wearing an orange shirt…_

Hello…? Earth to Hinata, are you there?

_Sniff…is that cologne?_

I can't feel my legs…OH NO! I'm DISABLED!

_No…it's cinnamon…_

I'm hyperventilating…Breath in, breath out, repeat.

_Orange cinnamon…_

"HINATA-CHAN!"

OOF!

_Note to self…don't space out._

* * *

"So…what's new?" Naruto slurped the last of his soup and set his TENTH bowl aside.

Hinata swirled her noodles around, "U-um…F-fine, I g-guess…A-and you?"

"Just PEACHY! Did you know, I beat the crap out of Sasuke today?" Naruto excitedly bounced in his seat.

"O-oh…" Hinata shrinked more in her seat. Disappointment gently scrawled all over her face.

Naruto stopped his frantic ranting by her sudden depression, "Hey, hey, what's the matter?"

Hinata dropped her chopsticks and grinned awkwardly, "W-what d-do you m-mean…?"

Frown.

"There's no need to hide it."

"W-what…?"

"I won't laugh, you can tell me."

Opal eyes shyly gazed into cerulean blue, "Naruto…"

He shook his head and rubbed vigorously, "Please."

_There was once a shy girl…_

Vines of warmth wrapped itself around Hinata's body, "I-it's nothing, really."

_Her voice grew stronger…_

"Sakura-chan always said hiding your feelings is bad. She said the mind needs some outlet-thingy to keep ourselves healthy."

Hinata's eyes downcast, "…"

_Her skin toughened…_

"She said when someone is sad or lonely the best thing is to be there for them. No words needed…just there with them."

_Innocence fading…_

"I want to be there…"

Naruto's head shot up to watch the young heiress, "Hinata…"

_Her heart fell…_

Smile.

"I want to be there for you."

_And fell…_

Tears.

"I want to see you cry, laugh, shout…"

_For the boy with the shattered heart…_

"Would you allow me…Naruto-kun?"

_Picking up piece by little piece…_

Hinata blushed and covered her flushing cheeks, "A-ah…I'm s-sorry!"

Grin.

"I'm glad you're here, Hinata-chan."

A calloused hand reached over to encase another.

Blink.

"Na-!"

"FINALLY! Let's celebrate Naruto's loss of virginity!" Kakashi smacked the poor boy on the back making him nose-dive into the ramen bowl still full of _hot _soup.

"HALLEUJAH!"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI, YOU PRICK!"

Boom!

"I'll gonna STRANGLE you!"

SLAM!

Hinata blinked slowly, comprehending the sudden flurry of events. She shrugged, just laugh it off…laugh it off.

Bonk.

Dun, dun, dun…ACORN of DOOM!

Hinata crushed it with the pressure of her chakra.

"DAMN SQUIRREL!"

_With that the boy with the shattered heart and the shy girl walked away, hand in hand, heart with heart._

* * *

Meanwhile…

Two lone figures were bound and tied feet first onto a branch in the middle of nowhere.

"This sucks." Kakashi scowled beneath his mask.

"Tell me about it! You ninjas are so sensitive."

Oh god…Talking squirrel in the area…

This is going to be a _long _night.

* * *

A/N: And that was the special chapter of Naruto and Hinata's date! Next chapter, I'll post a Sasuke and Sakura fluff chapter since I feel the urge to write some fluff. (Note the reason why the chapter was extra cutesy and poofy.) Don't know why but I do…

The acorns are COMING! Press the button, quick!


	6. Tip 6: Aburame Shino

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: HELLOOOO! I give you the sixth chapter of my wonderful project! I've already decided to have a sequel with the shinobi and kunoichi adults. This first half of my "Dating for Dummies Project" is about the kiddies. Get ready for some SasuSaku fluff! I feel sorry for Sasuke…I really do.

A/N: I have a WONDERFUL surprise for you all! Oh by the way, it was Orochimaru who was secret character who almost cough, cough molested cough Kiba. Have fun…

Disclaimer: Hmmm…Do I own Naruto? No, I don't think I do.

* * *

Tip 6: Aburame Shino

_Aburame, Shino:_

_Not much information on this little specimen… (FREAK!) Is from the Aburame Clan which harbors itty-bitty, teeny-weeny bugs IN their body (Ewwww…), currently seventeen years of age…_

"…Kakashi-sensei is there a reason you are hiding there?"

SMACK!

_Also have attachments towards fellow bugs (I swear I saw him making kissy-faces with them!), and no further info on "relationships" (I think he's asexual…)_

"…Did you just kill that ladybug…?"

_Bug boy seeks female with some nice pheromones (Wink, wink.), has an imaginary friend-bug-THING-whatever in his clos-OH MY-WHAT THE HELL! AUGH!_

"REVENGE! For Ms. Ladybug!"

_Twitch…_

_Bugs…ew…_

* * *

_Rule number six of Kakashi's book of randomness, warnings not included:_

_Popping the ego…Fight to the DEATH!_

* * *

Chirp. Chirp!

Cheep-

"Shut the hell up you STUPID birds!" a certain Uchiha survivor threw a barrage of kunai and shuriken at a particular tree outside his apartment window.

Talk about anger management.

Now we know boys and girls, Uchiha Sasuke is NOT a morning person. You've been warned.

At Sakura's house…

* * *

"NO! I'm LATE! Kakashi-sensei's gonna KILL me!" a flash of pink hair slammed the bathroom door shut with a BANG. A crack slit through the pale wood door.

"DAD!"

Mrs. Haruno plopped steaming white rice back into the rice cooker, "You're going to need to put up a new door, honey."

The said father of Sakura glanced at his wife from his newspaper, "How is this any different from any other day?"

The woman laughed, "Now, now she's a growing teenage girl. She doesn't know her own strength and limits yet."

"Uh-huh…This is why we have a supply of doors in the basement just for her…"

His wife sighed and set some toast near the edge of the table for her daughter, "Isn't her teacher coming back today from some mission or something?"

He grunted from behind the paper, "Hospital."

"H-hospital? I wasn't aware of this!"

He leaned forward to grab a piece of toast but spilled the salt onto the table spilling its salty contents.

Uh-Oh…

Suddenly a salt shaker almost collided with his balding head. He ducked in enough time to barely miss it as it smashed into the kitchen wall.

"Dear lord woman, don't throw things!"

Mrs. Haruno swiped a packet of good luck sutras from a secret compartment, "Don't worry honey, I'll destroy the bad luck that has plagued this house!"

'I didn't know she bought those.' Was the last thought swimming in Mr. Haruno's mind as a huge bombardment of sticky notes and stuff came like a tidal wave crashing down on him. Not to mention his wife cursing off bad luck and springing into action with her trusty necklace of garlic, a four-leaf clover, and a FLIPPING silver horseshoe.

Ow, much?

Sometimes he wondered why he married her…Oh yea.

He _loved _her.

Such a _quiet_, _pain-free_ day this was becoming!

Sakura jumped down the stairs and picked a piece of buttered toast into her mouth.

Mrs. Haruno grinned almost identical to her daughter, "Have a nice day, sweetie!"

"Bye mom! Bye dad!"

ZOOM!

Sakura was out the door in a millisecond…if that was possible.

Meanwhile in the trees surrounding a particularly pissed-off Sasuke…

* * *

"Coo…coo!"

A silver-haired man pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "Um…Orochimaru-sama I'm pretty sure owls don't go 'Coo'."

The golden-eyed snake man glared at his assistant, "Of course they do! Are you Coo-coo?"

Kabuto shook his head and looked towards Sasuke's window.

"Alright then…"

"Who…who!" Kabuto placed his hands around his mouth to channel the bird call.

Glare.

"Who?" Orochimaru stared at Kabuto.

"Who what?" Kabuto asked Orochimaru.

"You said who! Whose who?" the dark-haired man snapped.

Kabuto raised an eyebrow, "It's a bird call, Orochimaru-sama."

"Oh…I knew that."

Stare.

"Sir, are you ok?"

"I'm fine, let's go back to bird calls. We must draw my Sasuke-kun from his slumber!" Orochimaru posed evil-ish-ly.

Evil laugh!

"Cheep, cheep!" Kabuto shifted slightly.

"Who are you calling CHEAP?"

"No one, sir!"

They both stared at each other for a moment.

Orochimaru huffed, "Just…let me do this."

Kabuto nodded his head and made room for the snake sannin.

"Alright…Coo-coo-ca-chu!"

BOOM!

Sasuke slammed his window open and snapped, "That's IT! KATON GOUKAKYUU NO JUTSU!"

Like I said anger management…

But that's beside the point…ONWARD to Shino!

* * *

Spring, the time of blooming flowers and sunshine days. In other words, bug GALORE! Ladybugs, flies, ants, fleas, beetles, bees, butterflies, ticks, spiders, and other multi-legged creatures that buried themselves in the dirt spring to the surface. It was in all aspects, the Aburame Clan's strongest season. Thus begins our small adventure of one and only Aburame Shino.

"Shino…don't you have training?" Shino's father leaned onto the stair railing.

The Aburame Clan's special technique…talking in dots…

"…No, Kurenai-sensei is on a mission…We have the day-off…"

His father scratched his bearded chin, "I see…the Honda Clan seeks you to escort their daughter, Hana, for the day…I trust you will do it."

Shino slipped his sunglasses on and went out the door, "…Good luck on your mission…father…"

* * *

"Hana Honda, never heard of her? Is she new?" Kiba who had found his best friend near the tea shop whistled low.

"…"

Oh ho! The secret language of Shino begins!

"You don't know, do you?" Kiba patted Akamaru's large head.

"…" Shino very enthusiastically said.

Sigh.

"Don't tell me this is an _arranged_ marriage?"

"…" Shino contemplated for a moment then nodded.

Kiba gave another low whistle, "Damn, that sucks…I never knew they were still around."

"…" Shino shouted angrily.

Kiba patted his friend on the back, "Good luck, Shino. For all we know she could _hate _bugs." With that _encouraging _piece Kiba left quickly to tend to other matters. For a poor molestation victim, Kiba acted pretty energetic…huh, loser.

"Hello, son! Can I interest you in some potions?" a cheerful old male voice rasped. Shino turned slowly to notice an old man peddling what seemed to be a cart full of multi-colored potions. His clothes were ragged with dirt and scraps of food an apron equally as dirty wrapped around his frail torso and waist. His long black hair was stuffed and poorly hidden by a large-brim wooden triangle hat.

His large gray moustache twitched as he continued to grin almost manically, "So…is that a yes? I'll tell ya son, we have quite the stock!"

"…" In other words…What. The. Hell.

"Well sonny, there's a love potion!"

"…"

The old man or thing frowned a bit, "Ok, I'll take that as a no, how about a strength potion. Makes you pretty strong…eh?"

"…" Translation in normal English, not interested.

"OH! A smart potion! Those are REALLY popular!" the old man's confidence was fading bit by little bit.

"…" Yet again…he's not interested.

Blink.

Sweat.

The man wrung his fingers tightly, "Surely you would be a little interested?"

"…" Was that a blink from Shino, I think not.

The seller scowled darkly, "How about a talking potion to open that damn mouth of yours, sonny?"

"…" Nope.

Sweat.

"Will you excuse me a moment, dear customer?" the old man turned quickly and ducked under the cart.

Orochimaru ripped the gray moustache painfully and took a walkie-talkie, "Bird's-Eye this is Snake-Samba-Master-of-Disguise do you repeat?"

"Orochim-"Kabuto was quickly interrupted.

"No, NO! You will speak to me as Snake-Samba-Master-of-Disguise!"

_Silence._

Buzz…

"Um…right Snake-Samba-Master-of-Disguise what's going on?"

Orochimaru whispered dramatically, "The chicken is hard to persuade."

"What…What are you talking about?"

"The cow has laid an egg."

_More silence…_

"A cow can't lay an egg, sir."

Orochimaru smacked his pale forehead, "Honestly Kabuto do you EVER take the time to go out?"

Kabuto sighed, "I know sir, but really…what's going on?"

"Is this 'Shino' character anywhere near as close to Sasuke-kun like that fox-boy?"

Think.

Jeopardy MUSIC!

Think.

Kabuto shrugged, "I don't know."

Sigh.

"Whatever…COMMENCE PLAN B!" Orochimaru stood up quickly and-

BANG!

His head hit off the cart spilling a couple potions to the ground.

Shino peered at the shattered bottles to notice the liquid spattering the road.

Guess what it is?

Water…yeah you heard me WATER. Real smart, Orochimaru, real smart…

Orochimaru-turned-old-man-disguise chuckled slightly, "Whoops my bad, clumsy me."

"Oh my, oh my! A potions peddler in the area!" a poorly made imitation of a girly voice shouted.

Oh.

My.

God.

IT'S-

* * *

"Huh, where's everyone?" Naruto sat on the railing of the usual Team 7 meeting place.

"Am I the only one here?"

Indeed our beloved foxy blond hero was the only one there. How sad…he's all alone.

But where oh where are his other teammates?

Let us see…

* * *

"Late, late, late, late, LATE!" Sakura mumbled her own little mantra as she sped down the path of righteousness- I mean bridge.

She was so blinded by the thought of Kakashi's punishments that she didn't see the dark back in front of her…

BAM!

Fall.

Sakura skidded to the ground scraping her knee sharply. And the figure toppled painfully on top of her. Her fingers clutched the dark blue material close-

Wait a minute here!

Sakura peered carefully at the fabric and her head shot up to see a tuft of midnight black hair.

Blue shirt plus black hair equals…OH CRAP!

Sakura wiggled furiously and pushed Sasuke away. Sasuke who didn't fully recover from the shock was caught off guard…again…Sakura's elbow slammed into his stomach making the young Uchiha fall off her with a thud.

Gasp!

"I'm so SORRY Sasuke!"

'Sasuke? Where's the –kun?' Sasuke winced as Sakura fretted.

_Maybe she's finally over you._

'Oh god, not YOU again.'

Inner Sasuke gave a cheeky grin.

_In the flesh or spirit or whatever._

'What are you talking about Sakura not liking me?'

_Oh ho! So he finally listens to his heart!_

'No…just tell me, dobe!'

_So mean, no wonder she's over you._

'Grrrr…'

_Alright, ALRIGHT! No need to get feisty-kitty-mode on me!_

'…You're an idiot.'

_Anyway…ignoring that little insult there, she's over you obviously. She knows you'll never care for her so she's falling out of love with you. Honestly, you outer beings are so pathetic._

'…'

_What, cat got your tongue?_

'This can't happen!'

_No DUH Sherlock!_

'…But what can I do?'

_How am I supposed to know? Maybe you should get some advice…or therapy._

Glare.

'…She said…she would love me forever.'

_Hey, HEY! Bad thoughts! Don't you dare do what I think you're going to do!_

'She…lied…'

_LA, LA! Not listening! La, la! Bad thoughts! What are you-HEY! I'm not going back in that box. I refuse! Back I say, BACK!_

Sasuke clenched his fist and gritted his teeth. His eyes stung and his chest felt incredibly heavy. She was his teammate, for Godaime's sake!

She was his teammate who promised to be with him no matter what.

_No matter what…_

"Sasuke…are you ok?" Sakura placed a hand on his shoulder.

SNAP!

"Don't. Touch. Me."

Sakura backed up quickly, "Sasuke, what's wrong?"

"Just…leave me ALONE!"

Tears.

"Why…?" Green eyes blinked back tears but no avail as they spilled.

Sasuke's head shoot up and glared, "Because I HATE you."

Crack.

Inner Sakura growled.

_Let me at him! How dare he! Sa-Hey are you ok? Hey…come on don't let him get you down._

Sakura bit her lip, her heart bursting through her chest, "Well sorry! It's not my fault I care!"

Run.

_The nerve of him…If I ever get my hands on him-_

'Please…just leave me alone.'

Inner Sakura frowned and nodded; miraculously obedient today.

_Just don't let him get you down, ok?_

* * *

Sasuke brushed his clothes and halted when he brushed his heart. It hurt, it really did. It was the pain of losing a friend; it was the pain of losing a loved one. It was so familiar…so familiar.

Inner Sasuke scowled darkly.

_Please tell me you're going to go after her._

'It's for her own good-'

_Don't give me that bull! You know perfectly well that you're only doing this for your self. Selfish prick! Do you want THAT to happen again!_

Flashbacks flashed before Sasuke's onyx eyes. Dead bodies, pools of blood, _him_, and the blank stares of the dead; Sasuke clutched his head as the flashes swum furiously.

'No…that's different.'

_Then how come your heart says yes._

'…'

_Thought so, just…tell her you're sorry. I'm not asking you to ask her to marry you or something just tell her you're sorry._

'How?'

_How am I supposed to know! Just think of something spontaneous!_

'Like you?"

_Yeah like m-HEY! You tricked me! Just tell her!_

"Alright, alright!" Sasuke rubbed his head and walked to the bridge.

* * *

Shino blinked very slowly.

Hallelujah! Shino has returned from the living dead! Well…even the dead would wake up from this horror flick.

Kabuto pranced heavily to the cart in silver pigtails, a pink flowery dress with matching stockings and shiny black shoes. His face was…atrocious! With bright red lipstick, blue eye shadow, fake eyelashes, and…was that glitter?

"Dear Mr. Potion Person, would you be as kind as to give me potion for my mother!" Kabuto's voice was high-pitched and sickly girlish.

"Of course little Kabuta! I would love to!"

_Kabuta_…? Genius, Orochimaru, PURE genius! No one will _ever_ know that Kabuto is Kabuta…STUPID!

Shino watched the eye-gouging scene without a single twitch then turned away.

"…I'm going to be late…" and the bug master disappeared in the noon crowd without the _mysterious _old man and girl noticing.

Talk about total waste of time.

* * *

"TEME! You made Sakura-chan cry didn't you?" Naruto pointed accusingly at the Uchiha. However Sasuke's attention was only on the slumped depressed female at the floor of the bridge.

He bent down, ignoring the loud blond ninja to his left towards the pink-haired kunoichi. "Sakura…"

She visibly flinched and moved away a little.

Sasuke frowned and pulled at her arm, "Let's go out tonight."

"No." Sakura moved further.

Sasuke sighed in embarrassment, "Come on."

Sakura glared at him from beneath her arms. Sasuke blushed a bit, "Um…please?"

She let her arms down from her face and eyed him warily, "I guess so…"

"WAH! SAKURA-CHAN!" Naruto noisily nagged.

Sasuke gave a little cough and crossed his arms over his chest, "Well, uh, that's settled then."

"Yo, my annoying little pupils."

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

Kakashi grinned beneath his mask and waved slightly.

* * *

Shino slowly made his way down the street. Today's events had confused him to the point of actually reacting to them.

Wow…just wow.

Suddenly something soft banged into his forehead. His hand came up to pick a bug from his forehead. It was a shiny rainbow colored beetle known as…the LOVE bug! They were an extreme rarity these days.

"Muffin! Where did you go!"

Shino looked up just in time to see the love bug snatched from his hands. A girl his age with long brown hair and clear glasses cooed softly, "Muffin! You're safe."

Her big brown eyes stared at Shino for a moment before smiling, "Thanks for finding Muffin. I've been trying to find her for hours."

Was that blush on Shino's cheeks, "…No problem."

And with that Shina and Shino went their merry way together skipping through fields of flowers and butterflies.

Yuck…too sappy…

And whatever happened to Hana…She ran away with some guy from the tea shop. What a wonderful world we live in!

* * *

"I have wonderful news!" Kakashi sat on the bench lightly.

Three heads pushed together to capture all the news.

"The Hokage and I had discussed that since spring has come in full bloom-"

"OH! Missions!" Naruto bounced excitedly.

"Uh no."

Naruto huffed and puffed pouting for lack of missions.

Cough.

Kakashi cleared his throat, "Well, we've decided to hold an-"

_Day 6 finished._

_Operation Cliffhanger commences._

* * *

A/N: WAH HA HA HA HA! Cliffhangers! EVIL! Don't you just love your surprise!

* * *

SPECIAL CHAPTER: Of Dancing and Ninjas.

Haruno Sakura walked in the pinkish glow of the sunset. Her fingers were sweaty with anticipation as she neared picnic site. Her heart was lodged in her throat as she watched a familiar dark figure stand before the park's lake.

Yin Yang that's what they were; total opposites in the world.

He was dark she was light, he was cold she was hot, he was lonely she was surrounded, he didn't love she loved everything, he was cruel she was caring…opposites: a killer and a healer.

His world was a dark void of blood and death while hers was one of life and innocence.

He lost his childhood and she lives in it.

Sakura trembled slightly and hands clenched.

She was ready.

Too bad the rock ruined it all…

TRIP!

* * *

"You gotta be on your guard ALL the time, Sakura. I can't keep watching you all the time." Sasuke grabbed the girl by the arm and tugged her towards the plaid blanket on the ground.

Sakura blushed darkly, "So um…why did you ask me out here anyway?

Freeze.

Sasuke twitched, "Uh, let's have some music on."

Sakura nodded and watched the young flustered Uchiha press the on button on a portable stereo.

Oh, Uchiha Sasuke is quite the romantic, eh?

_"I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU-"_

Uh…right…a REAL romantic…What a way to tell a girl you like them by saying you hate their guts…

Sasuke pressed the next arrow quickly.

Blink.

"Sasuke…" tears bubbled again.

_"I WILL LET YOU DOWN!-"_

"Uh, uh! Sakura, ignore this for a minute!" Sasuke jammed his finger harshly on the button.

A smooth soft sounding melody floated out the speakers. Sasuke smirked and took a breath of relief.

"Sa-!"

_"GIRL SHAKE THAT LAFFY TAFFY! DAT LAFFY TAFFY!"_

Sakura stood up quickly, tears cascading down her eyes, "Sasuke stop it!"

Sweat.

His breathing was erratic and surprisingly a trail of sweat ran down his face.

Inner Sasuke frantically ran through the complicated corridors of outer Sasuke's mind,

_Do something! NOW!_

"I uh…Saku-"

Sakura held her hands out in front of her to stop him, "No, I don't want to hear it. Sasuke-kun let's just pretend this never happened."

_Sasuke-kun…_

He smirked and was about to say something when-

"_Time stands still in my heart. I don't know where you are. Longing for what I deny, Can we just turn it around tonight…?"_

Both teenagers stopped in the midst of the stereo playing.

"Sakura…"

"_And do you know without you I just go crazy. And do you know that all I think about is where you are. And do you know that only you can save me baby from going through this life all alone…"_

"Sakura I'm…sorry."

Blink.

Smile.

"It's ok. I don't think I can stay mad at you for long." Sakura gently took a hold of his arm.

He scoffed as he blushed lightly tainting his cheeks, "You're so annoying."

"Let's go to the Ichiraku, Naruto and the others are waiting for us." Sakura tugged his arm.

Maybe this wasn't such a disaster after all…

"What no kiss!" Kakashi peered from a telescope.

"KA-KA-SHI-SEN-SEI!" Sakura fisted her hands and Sasuke's hand crackled with blue lightning chakra.

Sweat.

"Uh…Who's this Kakashi-sensei fellow? I'm a bird…Coo-coo-ca-chu!"

"DIE!"

Hatake Kakashi sent to the hospital for emergency burn treatments and fractured skull.

In other words…He's an idiot, the end.

* * *

A/N: Whew! I've just noticed but…there are no squirrels in this chapter. Well there goes my trademark…Ha! Anyway, I'm sure people are wondering why I have this…"phobia" of squirrels. Let's just say they ate my internet access. They chewed through the wire and ruined it…grr…HATE squirrels! So…The songs I used were "I (hate) Everything About You" and "Let You Down" by Three Days Grace. Also the main song which I've been playing for the past few hours is: "Do You Know (I Go Crazy)" by Angel City. 


	7. Tip 7: Akimichi Choji

Fan Fiction: "Dating For Dummies"

A/N: How long has it been since I've last updated… (Counts fingers) I really don't know but it must have been long. Sorry it's just…I have no excuses. Well if you count the writer's block nagging at me for the past few months. WOOT!

Disclaimer: Hi, owning Naruto is bad. I don't own Naruto so I'm not bad. End of story.

* * *

Tip: Akimichi Choji

_Akimichi, Choji:_

_A seventeen year old tub of lard on Asuma Team 10, name in literal translation means "Butterfly" (That has got to be the MOST contradicting name I have EVER heard in my life!)…_

Snort.

"Kakashi-san is that you?"

_He's considered "pleasingly plump" (…FAT!), most descriptive feature is the spirals on his cheeks (FAT!), uses special pills to increase size and mass (…REALLY FAT!)…_

"Hm…I smell something…"

Stomp.

_Seeks a nice juicy, grease-dripping, lip-smacking, hot-of-the-grill, finger-licking goodness in the form of…BEEF! (Personally I see him with a little pork, maybe some lamb, OH! CHICKE-)-_

"Hey, HEY! You with the pudgy atmosphere! Fetch the hamburger."

Stare.

"What the…Kakashi-san, I said I smelled something gross."

Look down…

"Oh…"

_Ewwwwwwwww…_

* * *

_Rule number seven of Kakashi's furry pink lovey-dovey diary-uh…Man Journal:_

_Girls are PHAT, not FAT!_

* * *

Hatake Kakashi was never scared in his life.

Well…actually scratch that out.

Hatake Kakashi was never scared as much as he was in his life.

To be honest, he never encountered such a _frightful _scene in his entire career. Worse than the dead bodies, the stench of blood, the wet droplets of sweat mixed with crimson and dirt gritting through his nails…

Hell Orochimaru PALED in comparison to the young woman in front of him.

He gave a nervous chuckle and inched his way slowly back. He was innocent, for Godaime's sake.

Keyword: I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T.

Kakashi counted off the options in his calculating and obviously perverted mind.

He could distract her using an ingenious disguise of a duck with a clone and run.

He could run like hell was biting his ankles.

Take the beating.

Or his possibly favorite…Use the dreaded pouty-secret-Icha-Icha-Paradise-look-of-ultimate-cuteness-and-DOOM! Sparkly stars and glitter included.

Think.

Kakashi tapped his chin, he liked the cutesy look BUT…he just wanted to be a duck _so _bad…He barely registered the thunderous crack of a certain person's fists.

"Ka-ka-shi!"

Freeze.

Kakashi shrunk slightly at her dark tone and waved his hands, "Now, let's not be rash-"

"RASH…I'll show you rash! Hatake Kakashi, I'll make sure you'll never be able to impregnate a woman EVER!"

"KURENAI-!"

Bang.

Smack.

Boom.

Fist of DOOM!

You people are probably wondering why Kurenai-sensei is so…erm-_tempermental._

You see dear readers; it's a long stor-

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T ASK ME!"

Cough- Um right, back to the story…It all started the day before when Kakashi told his happy, cheerful, wouldn't EVER hurt the perverted jounin team some important information.

* * *

_Yesterday…_

"Huh."

Kakashi patted the pink-haired girl gently on the head, "You heard me. The Godaime is hosting a big party for the celebration of the new jounin exams."

"So let me get this straight, "Sasuke glared at Kakashi incredulously, "the Godaime is hosting a party for the new JOUNIN EXAMS?"

Blink.

"Uh-YUP!"

A happy small teeny bubble burst in Kakashi's chest at the thought of his little munchkins- I mean his team dancing under little paper lanterns with little kimonos and little sandals to step on each others' feet…

"That's stupid."

POP!

Down goes the happy sugar-induced bubble into the fiery pit that is Sasuke's insensitive mouth.

"Mou Sasuke-kun that was insensitive!"

See what I mean.

Surprisingly Naruto hadn't opened his little peeper in awhile…

"WHAT?" A blond head shot up and slammed the Uchiha in the chin.

Right…Anyway back to our loveable ice cube.

"You…NOW look what you done!" the great and almighty Sasuke pointed to his face as blood dribbled down from his mouth and chin.

Naruto gave a small moment to assess what happened. He, being innocent and utterly fluff-able, had fallen over when their sensei had shown up _miraculously _and a bit freakily early.

He by "accidentally" bumped the young heir in the chin with his head.

Ok, ok so it wasn't a bump! More like a forceful smash in the face…

BUT he was entirely innocent thus why he said this:

"I honestly don't see any difference."

Oh yes, the Kyuubi container/next Hokage was indeed screwed…Very screwed…VERY, very screwed, screwed to-

"ALRIGHT! We get the point!"

Cough.

Whatever…back to the story…

The red-eyed Terminator was ready to give Naruto a piece of his revenge/angst mind when…

Smack!

A scroll shot through the air like a bullet and "landed" smack-dab in the middle of Sasuke's face.

Needless to say, Sasuke wasn't the happiest camper in a trailer park full of marshmallows and pixie sticks.

"I swear if ONE MORE THING hits me I'm going to-"

KA-POWWIE!

Sakura shook the Uchiha furiously as his head lolled from side to side, "Sasuke-kun!"

"Hey, hey what are these scrolls!" Naruto waved the two previously flying projectiles around.

"Put those down you idiot! You don't know where they came from!" Sakura swung a fist ready to collide with Naruto's head.

"Sure I do."

Sakura blinked at him and lowered her fist, "You do?"

Grin.

"They come from mommy and daddy scrolls!"

_Silence…_

Bam!

"You idiot!"

"OW! Sakura-chan!"

Kakashi sighed and took the two scrolls, "Sasuke, you open them."

Sasuke, who recently woken up, caught them with ease.

The two seven yea- I mean seventeen year olds stopped their bickering and crowded the Uchiha.

Sweat dabbed the young avenger's brow. If you're thinking he's nervous because currently in his possession are two _unknown _scrolls that could possibly contain the world's doom then you're absolutely…WRONG.

In fact, a certain _someone _was pressing a little too close to him.

And if you think its Naruto, go die in a ditch.

Sakura was pressed against the Uchiha's right arm and side. He could feel the muscles under soft silky skin. This didn't help since she was breathing ever so slowly onto his neck and ear…

Whoosh.

Three pairs of eyes stared stock-still at the unfurled piece of parchment in front of them.

"Made in Mist Country." Naruto furrowed his eyebrows.

"You dobe! READ above that!"

Sakura pointed to the small text, "It's an invitation: You have been cordially invited to Konoha's first annual _Spring Fling _on July the First. This dance is to welcome the new participants of the Jounin Exam and the full blossoming of spring including the beginning of the summer. Dressing is formal and a date is to be present. Sincerely the Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village, Tsunade."

"Wait, hold up. What day is today?" Naruto glanced at Kakashi.

"Sunny."

"No I mean like is it Friday or Monday?"

"I do believe it's the day before tomorrow and the day after yesterday."

Twitch.

"I'm well aware of that. But what day _is _today?"

Kakashi tilted his head.

"Um…"

Naruto moved his hand to encourage his sensei, "Yeah…"

"I don't know."

"You. Don't. Know."

"Well you see being lost on the path of life; one gets very confused with the dates."

"Will you guys just SHUT UP?" Sasuke slammed his hand on the wooden flooring of the bridge.

Naruto stomped his foot loudly, "You think you're so smart, teme!"

Sasuke stood up, "That's because, dobe, I am."

_In this corner, weighing 160 pounds and equipped with the blazing Sharingan is Uchiha Sasuke!_

"Well! How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood!"

_And in the other corner, weighing 162 pounds and packing one heck of a demonic punch is Uzumaki Naruto!_

"What the-What kind of question is that?"

"You afraid, bastard?"

"Hell no."

_And…FIGHT!_

_Ding-ding-ding!_

"Answer the question then. Or are you too much of a…CHICKEN HEAD!"

"It's eight, stupid!"

(Um Lil-Fluffy-Chan here interrupting for a moment…You know that joke Naruto just asked, well I don't remember the answer as I unfortunately found out. So just play along, ok?)

Oh.

Damn. That Uchiha is a sly one that he is.

"Ok dobe, I got a question for you."

Naruto lowered himself to "Rocky" stance, "Bring it on, chicken head!"

Deep Breath…

"Why don't you get a flipping life you flipping piece of flipping crap; I hate your flipping guts, why don't you flipping annoy flipping someone else you flipping retard!"

_Ding-ding-ding-ga-ling!_

_Winner is Uchiha Sasuke by verbal default!_

"Well at least _I _don't act like a prick, you prick!" a finger pointed accusingly at the Uchiha survivor.

"Oh, tell me did you make that up yourself or did _Iruka-sensei _help you out like every time you have a problem!"

"What you say-"

SLAM!

Sakura slammed her fist into the bridge railing, "SHUT UP! Next time someone speaks I'm sending them to the emergency room A.S.A.P!"

Naruto squeaked and hid behind Kakashi while Sasuke quickly edged his way to the other side of the bridge.

"Now where was I…Oh yes, Sasuke, open the next scroll." Kakashi waved his hand at the solitary yellowing scroll on the bridge flooring.

Sasuke, who pretty much never left eye contact on Sakura, quickly bent over to retrieve it in a single swipe. Sakura and Naruto took their spots on either side of him and waited for the mysterious secrets to unfold. Silently they counted down…

Sasuke's fingers shook slightly.

'_1…'_

Sakura clenched her hands.

'_2…'_

A bead of sweat rolled down Naruto's face

_'RAMEN!'_

Whoosh.

"OH MY GOD! WHAT'S THAT!"

* * *

Konoha's very own lazy bum opened an eye, "How troublesome…"

"Sounded like it came from the bridge." Ino Yamanaka fluffed her blonde ponytail out.

Chomp.

A series of barbeque chips were stuffed into a mouth, "Isn't that where Sakura and her team meet?"

"Forehead girl? You bet." Ino strapped a kunai pouch on her leg.

Shikamaru Nara swung himself up from the grass, "This is such a waste of time."

"What was that, Shikamaru! How is spending time with your teammates _a waste of TIME_!" Ino waved her fist ready to collide it with someone's certain pineapple head.

While the two lovebirds-_cough, cough_ bicker we return to our hero of this chapter…

Choji Akimichi opened another bag of barbeque chips, "Asuma-sensei what's this mission about?"

Asuma (or Smoker Dude, whichever way) blew a few clouds of smoke in the air, "Retrieval."

"Retrieval of what?" Shikamaru tried prying Ino's hands from his Chunnin jacket.

"Someone rich dude's pet, the name's Foo-Foo-Cuddly-Poo."

Sigh.

"Great…more waste of time."

* * *

Sasuke dropped the scroll as if poison was seeping through the paper and onto his skin. It unraveled more as it rolled towards Kakashi's feet.

Now you all are probably wondering…What's on that scroll? Well I could tell you BUT that just wouldn't be fun, now would it?

"Hey, hey! We should totally get this!" Naruto took out a green pen and a notebook shaped of a frog.

_Are you tired of those weak and flimsy PYTHONS? Do you wish you had strong and utterly macho pythons like your next door neighbor? Well dream no more! For we have a solution for your problem! Python Deluxe will increase your python size by 5 inches. Yes you heard me, 5 INCHES! And for a limited time offer we'll include: a mini-tanning bed and a cool pair of sunglasses! This product is brought to you by, Snake-Ade…For all your serpentine needs! Warning: snake may feel prone to dance and singing karaoke…DRUNK. Advised not to take while your python may be pregnant…_

* * *

Meanwhile in some trees somewhere stalking…

"NOOOOOOOO!" Orochimaru dramatically fell to his knees and screamed Darth Vader-like.

Kabuto patted his back, "Not to worry, we'll get Sasuke-kun next time."

Sob.

"But…but that was my ONLY coupon!"

_Silence…_

* * *

"Oi, Choji why'd you stop?" Shikamaru glanced back at the not-fat-because-he-says-so shinobi halted on a tree branch.

Asuma-sensei and Ino stopped as well to peer back at him.

_Special Anime-Style Close-up!_

"I sense…an ominous aura surrounding this very forest…" If it were possible Choji would narrow his eyes.

Whoosh!

A dramatic flair of wind flared Shikamaru's hair-pineapple…thing.

"Choji…"

The plump boy turned his head to face his best friend, "You feel it too, Shikamaru?"

"No, I was about to say…We. Have. NOT. LEFT. The. Village. YET."

"Oh."

Ino rolled her eyes and turned away, "What an idiot!"

Asuma threw his cancer stick to the ground, "You must be hungry, that's all."

Choji glared quite unnaturally at a few bushes on the side of the road, "Right…hungry…"

* * *

Golden eyes glinted maliciously, "So tubby has some tricks up his sleeve, eh?"

"Is it necessary to wear these, sir?" Kabuto fingered his long tan colored trench coat.

Orochimaru, who at the time was wearing a similar trench coat with bulky sunglasses and a wide-rim hat, gave Kabuto a distasteful look, "Honestly Kabuto, disguises are one of the key elements of stealth."

"But wouldn't it be better if we dressed as _normal _people, not a bunch of closet perverts?"

Orochimaru huffed, "Don't you know! THIS is the new trend!"

Stare.

"It is?"

"Yes my dear obviously-deprived-of-social-interaction boy, I got it from _this _book." Orochimaru flashed a familiar orange paperback book usually held by a familiar silver-haired shinobi…

Kabuto took a few seconds, "Sir, you do know what kind of book that is…right?"

The snake sannin flipped through the black and white pages, "It's a book with some spiffy new fashion trends!"

"No! It has NAKED girls in it!"

Blink.

"So…no new spiffy trends?"

"No."

Blink.

Orochimaru threw the book quickly, "EGAD! My _poor_, _virgin _EYES!"

* * *

"Ugh, what a creepy forest." Ino took a kunai and slashed through an offending vine in her way.

Shikamaru followed closely behind just so she wouldn't escape his line of view, "How troublesome, must you make so much noise?"

Glare.

"Shut it, Shikamaru!"

Asuma-sensei sighed before taking a long drag of his cigarette.

Seriously, didn't his students know how to shut their mouths…?

"Asuma-sensei! We've been out here for hours and not a sign of that stupid pet ANYWHERE!" Ino stomped through the overgrown forest floor.

I guess not.

"Fine, we'll set up camp. Choji get the water, Shikamaru and Ino get the firewood."

Choji grabbed the three water containers and his own, "And what are you going to do, sensei?"

"That's something for me to know, and you to never find out." Team 10 split up in time not to notice their sensei cuddling an orange and white plushy fish.

"I wuv you, Nemo. Yes I do!"

* * *

"I can't believe I'm stuck with you." Ino grumbled as she picked a random stick from the leafy ground.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "Likewise."

Snort.

Ino who at the time was displaying her natural boar-ish-ness suddenly felt the firewood in her arms become increasingly lighter.

Blink.

Blue eyes watched her pineapple-headed teammate take her share of the wood and pack it heavily into his arms.

"Shikamaru…"

He glanced at her, "How troublesome…let's go back to Asuma-sensei."

Heat rose up in her cheeks but quickly disappeared, "Are you saying I'm WEAK!"

"No…I'm saying you're troublesome."

"SHI-KA-MA-RU!"

* * *

Choji watched several trees shake and birds flying from their recent perch. He stuffed a hand full of chips into his mouth. No doubt it was Ino and her "scary-psychopathic-lady-from-hell-and-other-bad-things" temper. As usual it was directed at Shikamaru.

Nothing new…same thing…

Choji finally reached the river and attempted to fill the four containers.

Little did our pudgy butterfly realize he was being watched very closely…

* * *

Meanwhile in a bush a few feet away…

"Ah ha! Our prey is unsuspecting of our ingenious plan!" Orochimaru clapped his hands and adjusted his trench coat.

"Sir, why are you still wearing that outfit?" Kabuto who had recently discarded his own coat and happily trashed it in a tree trunk was looking at his boss incredulously.

Orochimaru scowled, "If you must know I _like _this outfit thank you very much. It has great circulation!"

"You mean…You're NOT wearing anything UNDERNEATH!"

"Uh…no…Don't blame me! I found it in a magazine."

Kabuto pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "A magazine?"

"Indeed! See it's called…Seventeen Magazine. It has all the new spiffy fashion trends, I checked!"

"Um…Sir, are you well aware that's a magazine for GIRLS?"

Unfortunately Orochimaru wasn't listening, "Say Kabuto which lip gloss would I look good in? Fuchsia-Passion-Fruit or Bubble-Gum-A-Licious? I find both of them delectable!"

Needless to say, Kabuto was mentally scarred…if that was possible.

* * *

Clip.

Our slightly plump friend pressed the caps to the bottles of water. Finally his work was done and Choji could practically taste the fish their sensei earlier caught that day. Almost humming and skipping out of character Choji made his way towards the path he came from.

_Duh dum…_

Choji's danger senses were tingling all over. Squinted eyes darted back and forth as he passed several bare trees.

_Duh dum…_

Now that he thought about it the little section of forest he was in was a bit…iffy. What with all the scary leaf-less trees, almost bare ground littered with miniature skulls, a dark foreboding sky filled with bloodsucking bats, and…was that a _skeleton_?

Hmmmmm…

_Duh dum, duh dum, DUH DUM!_

A tall black shadow encased Choji and was about to grab him when-

KA-BAM!

Orochimaru clutched his cheek and pointed accusingly at Choji, "How did you know I was behind you!"

"Duh, I heard your theme song."

"…Oh." Orochimaru grabbed his handy-dandy walkie-talkie.

"Kabuto, I told you NOT to put it so LOUD! Geez, can't a guy get a good theme song to add suspense!"

Choji inched his way towards the exit for he didn't recognize the snake sannin in front of him, "Uh…who are you?"

Orochimaru immediately jumped to his feet and flicked a flashlight on to add a _dramatic _effect, "You, the one with the fat! Join the dark side!"

Blink.

"What?"

"We have cookies." Orochimaru flickered the light in Choji's eyes.

Choji took a moment, "Alright, let me get my stuff and come back here."

Orochimaru grinned, "We'll be waiting!" And with that our hero for the day left with absolutely no intention of ever coming back.

Kabuto came out of hiding place, "I'm getting the feeling he's not coming back."

"Nonsense Kabuto he'll come back! He's too stupid…He fell effectively into our trap of DOOM!"

"You mean bribing him with cookies?"

Orochimaru triumphantly smiled, "Exactly! I mean, honestly who can say no to these cookies? It has mini snakes on them, see!"

"So we wait here?"

Orochimaru plopped to the ground, "Yes, won't be long now until my Sasuke-kun comes back to us."

* * *

"Choji! There you are! Where were you?" Ino stood up and placed her hands on her hips.

"Oh I just got lost on the way…FOOD!" Choji dropped the water bottles to the ground by the fire and grabbed his share of fish.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "How troublesome…"

* * *

Meanwhile with our two Sound shinobis…

"Any minute now…"

Kabuto sighed, "I told you he wouldn't come back."

"Oh shush! He'll co-Well what do you, a squirrel!"

"A what?"

"Hello Mr. Squirrel, aren't you the fluffiest cutest thing I ever did-AUGH! NO! Stay back! My EYES! ARGH! D-demon squirrel! DEMON SQUIRREL!"

"…!"

* * *

Sakura twirled her head, "Did you hear that?"

Sasuke glanced back and scoffed, "Let's go, Sakura."

_Day 7 finished._

_Operation Get-Sasuke-kun-Back in full throttle! (Copyright by Orochimaru and Snake-Ade.)_

* * *

A/N: Randomness ENSUES! Got a little contest for you all…For the person who gets my 200th review I'll dedicate a special one-shot to them. You just give me the summary and plot and I'll write it! (I'll also do other pairings just no yaoi or yuri…I rather do SasuSaku.) Also special news! My little muse inside my head has been extra busy lately and I have great ideas for the next few chapters so be sure to watch for them!

The squirrels have RETURNED! Review or face their wrath!


	8. Tip 8: Nara Shikamaru

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

Disclaimer: (Does a dance) Just because I finally reached 200 reviews doesn't mean I suddenly own Naruto. Cause I really don't…seriously.

Tip 8: Nara Shikamaru

* * *

_Nara, Shikamaru:_

_A troublesome guy, who leads an equally troublesome life, finds piece of mind playing shougi (Booo-ring…), one of the smartest members of the Rookie 9 (Sakura's better!!)…_

"Uh…Kakashi-san?"

Randomly-placed giggle.

_This here practical man is part of the orange-fishy-loving squad called Team 10 (Or is it just Asuma who has the fetish?), his family is close friends with the Yamanaka's and Akimichi's, and shows no attraction to the female entity (One would think he's a little bendy me thinks…)_

"What…How troublesome! Did you just call me gay?"

Skeptical glare…

_In fact, he seems to spend more time with tubby instead of a certain blonde-haired female (Oh my…AFFAIR! Affair I say-)-_

"Kakashi-san, is that Icha Icha Paradise Volume 13?!"

Look.

"WHERE?!"

BAM!!

_Ow…tree…branch…ow…_

* * *

_Rule number eight in the Limited Edition of Kakashi's Guide to Suck-SPECIAL Dating tips:_

_Compliments, compliments: The Secret of Dating!_

_

* * *

_

There were many things Nara Shikamaru would consider "troublesome"…missions being one of them.

Indoor plants also being high on his list. He just didn't get the reason why you would have a plant when you can go outside and have a tree.

…

Yeah I thought so.

He also thought fan girls were troublesome too. Just like Ino and her childish obsession with the dark-haired Uchiha. It just didn't make sense.

I mean seriously who would like a butt-head like him anyway…

Slap!

Shikamaru mentally slapped himself seeing as how he was too tired to do it physically.

"I can't believe I said butt-head…"

He mentally slammed his head continuously. Calling someone "butt-head" was so…so…_troublesome_.

Really.

Who says butt-head anyway?!

"Shikamaru, you BUTT-HEAD! Stop sleeping and get ready!!"

Oh.

Right…

Where were we?

* * *

"KABUTO! My fiendish sidekick, look what I have!" Orochimaru waved something small and compact in his arms.

Blink.

"Eh?" was Kabuto's genius reply.

Grin.

"It's…a LAPTOP!" Orochimaru almost slammed the hard object in Kabuto's face.

"Erm, what's it do?"

Orochimaru with his recently healed injuries from aka. "Demonic Squirrel" opened the laptop with flourish, "I'm glad you ask. This, my slave, will bring Sasuke-kun back to me!"

Poke.

Kabuto poked the black screen, "And how will this…thing…do that?"

"Watch and be amazed!"

Press.

Orochimaru pressed a random button.

Silence…

"Orochimaru-sama nothing hap-"

"Shush! Here it comes!"

Silence…

...Bop…

"BRILLANT!!!" Orochimaru cackled darkly.

* * *

Meanwhile ignoring Orochimaru's escapades…

Sigh.

Sakura placed her chin in the palm of her hand and watched the timid Hyuga heiress regard the two dresses in front of her with thought.

"Hinata, when I said shopping I meant going to other stores instead of the same one for the past two hours."

Pale eyes flickered shyly at the Godaime apprentice, "Ano…Sorry Sakura-san…"

Sigh.

"Don't worry Hinata; we still have," Sakura counted the days with her fingers, "six more days left to get ready."

"D-Do you think N-Naruto-kun would like this o-one?" Hinata held up a silky deep indigo dress with a flowing long skirt barely brushing the floor. The top was a halter top with thick ribbons trailing down a bare back.

Sakura took the price tag and immediately blanched at the amount of zeros in the number.

"Are you sure you can afford this, Hinata?"

Hinata placed the dress back in the rack and took a black gown possibly more expensive looking than the last, "The Hyuga family is paying for most of the expenses of the dance."

Sweat drop.

"In other words, your family is filthy rich."

Hinata blushed darkly and nodded.

"Where's your dress, Sakura-san?"

Sakura waved her hand nonchalantly, "I'm not going."

WOAH!

Rewind!

"I'm not going." Sakura's face was completely serious.

Darn…she's not kidding…

"H-how are you g-going to do that? I-it's mandatory."

"I'll just tell the Hokage to give me a mission or something. I am after all her _apprentice_. And besides…I really don't want to go…" Sakura emphasized on the word to prove her point.

Hinata watched the floor in disbelief, "O-Oh…"

Sakura looked at her watch, "OH! Look at the time! Sorry Hinata we'll shop later I have to go to the hospital!!"

DASH!

Blink…

Hinata stared at the empty space left by Sakura. Suddenly she clenched her fists and dashed out the door.

_'Don't worry Sakura-san we'll find a date for you. Then you'll have to come to the dance!'_

* * *

"OH! SASUKE!!! TAKE ME NOW!!" a fan girl leaped slow-mo in the air before slamming into the ground where the Uchiha once stood.

"GEEZ, teme, that's the 20th one this morning!" Naruto huffed and puffed down the street going WAY past the ninja speeding limit.

"_Huff_…No…_Puff_…Flipping…_Wheeze_…DUH…_Pant_…" The two shinobi sharply turned a corner.

"ZOMFG! SQUEE!!!! SASUKE!!!!"

Oh.

My.

God.

Thousands upon thousands of screaming fan girls squealed loudly.

Naruto grabbed Sasuke's overly-large collar, "DUUUUDDDE! What are we going to do?!?!?!"

Glance.

Sasuke quickly looked back at the fan girls silently creeping towards him.

Sweatdrop.

"DOBE! Stop it!!" Sasuke pushed the blond away.

Suddenly Naruto had an _ingenious idea…_

"Say teme I have a BRILLLANT idea…" Naruto whispered conspiratorially behind his hand.

'I got a bad feeling about this…'

* * *

"Asuma-sensei, what exactly is this pet we're looking for?" Ino stepped over a large root.

Puff.

He took the cancer stick-

Yes I said CANCER stick! EWWW! CANCER is the reason puppies are kicked and Teletubbies eat humans…

Cough.

Uh, right…

"Well like I said her name is Foo-Foo-Cuddly-Poo and she's an albino Arabian puff-tail Squirrel-"

Wait…

He did not just say what I think he said…

"A…squirrel…?"

Puff.

Asuma watched his team look incredulously at each other, "Didn't you know people sometimes have squirrels for pets?"

Scoff.

"For what reason, they're about as stealthy and useful as Ino here." Shikamaru put his hands behind his head and kept walking through the forest.

"GAH! SHI-KA-MA-RU!!! You are SO dead!!" Ino was about to give our lazy bum a whooping can of whoop…erm…donkey when…

"Ho, ho, ho, ho! Fear not!! Ho, ho, ho, ho!!"

* * *

Tap.

After countless pushing of buttons and randomly thrown curses our two villains finally started the contraption know as a _laptop_.

Dun.

Dun.

DUN!

"OH! Look my evil henchman of doom, GOGGLE!" Orochimaru pointed at the screen.

Blink.

"I think its Google, sir."

"Well that's just poppy-doodle-kins! I say call it GOGGLE, it sounds more ninja-ish."

"How are goggles ninja-ish?" Kabuto look at his master weirdly.

Giggle.

"For when I go into my bubble bath with Mr. Rubber Ducky here, silly."

Silence…

"You have a rubber duck?"

"Uh…No what gave you that idea…?"

PING!!!

Orochimaru quickly diverted Kabuto from his suspicions, "LOOK! Our problems are solved! I give you…FANFICTION!!"

"What's that?"

"Erm…well I'm not sure! So let's find out!"

Browse.

"OH! This looks promising! Look, Kabuto, my feathery fiend, a story about ME!" Orochimaru pressed a link that read:

'_Rating: R, Category: Romance/Angst, Chapters: 2,278,937,474, Reviews: 0_

_Summary: Heyz yalz! This is Mi 1st fanfic so b3 nic3, kay?! Reviewz l0ts kay! Nooooooo F14m3rs!!'_

* * *

"SASUKE, KISS ME!! YOU HUNK YOU!!" Naruto literally pounced on Sasuke.

Sasuke dodged barely before slamming his fist into Naruto's cranium. However the damage was already done…

A snotty blonde girl with pigtails and tight, tight, TIGHT jeans screamed bloody murder, "NO, LIKE, WAY! Sasuke is like wow like GAY!!!"

"SO LIKE OMIGOD!!"

"REALLY, LIKE, WOW!!"

Naruto rubbed his head and laughed awkwardly, "Maybe that wasn't the best plan of action eh, teme?"

"…"

"Teme?"

SHARINGAN!!

"OH GOD NO!! Not my _SPLEEN!!!_ "

* * *

"Ho, ho, ho, ho!"

"Dude, Santa Claus!" Choji muffled through large handfuls of chips.

Bonk.

A girl hit Choji over the head, "I'm not Santa Claus!"

Stare.

Stare.

STARE…

"Uh…Hello fellow shinobi, my name is Mary Star Antoinette Kimi Hana Peach Kishimoto! And I have come to help on your quest." Mary what's-her-face flipped her shiny perfectly curled black hair over her petite shoulders.

Her manicured hands were on her perfect hips dressed in fish-net shorts and a micro-mini teal skirt. Her chest was just as impressive covered in a fishnet tank top with teal chest bindings. Her dainty feet were covered in high heeled sandals the color of her eyes which were…_TEAL_. Her face was perfectly shaped with a perfect nose, perfect teeth, perfect cheeks, perfect lips, perfect forehead-

FINE!

She's _perfect_, ok?

Mary batted her sultry eyes at Shikamaru, "I'll do whatever you want…"

…Egad, gag me with a spoon…

Push.

Ino flipped her blonde ponytail and grabbed Shikamaru's arm, "We need to find that squirrel, let's go."

"How troublesome…"

* * *

Meanwhile deep in the woods Orochimaru finds out the horrors of badly written fan fiction…

_'…"And with that he smiled sweetly and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Glinda. Marry me as we walk into the sunset like lovebirds forever together, and ever and ever and ever!"_

_Glinda cried prettily as her shiny brown locks glistened with dew, "Yes, my Orochi-kun! Take me, for I have waited long enough!! TAKE MEEEEEE!!"_

_"Oh Glinda, your body is like an inferno!!"_

_"OROCHI!!"'_

"AH!! I'm BLINDED, Kabuto!! Oh…THE LIGHT!! I see the light!! NOOOOOOO!!! I'm too YOUNG to DIEEEEEE! The light…so BRIGHTTTTT!!!"

Kabuto pushed his glasses up, "Orochimaru-sama what's _fan art_?"

* * *

Back with Sasuke and Naruto's little predicament…

A girl with big lips wearing excessive make-up pouted scarily at Sasuke, "Oh Sasuke! You don't need a man to fulfill your needs!! Take me!!! TAKE MEEEEEE!!"

"No Sasuke, ME! I can show you TRUE love!!"

"Don't listen to that bimbo!! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

And so on and so forth…

"Dobe…You're going to DIE here and NOW!" Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the collar ready to pummel him to an inch of his life.

"NO! HELP!! Psychotic Uchiha on the loose!!! HELP!"

Hinata peeked behind a wall to see Sasuke and Naruto cornered by a bunch of ravenous rabid fan girls.

Sweat drop.

"Mu-must h-help N-Naruto-kun…" Hinata quickly did a jutsu.

"OH MY GOD!! Is that a picture of Sasuke NAKED on the other side of town!?!"

"Like, NO WAY!!"

Hinata grabbed the boys' sleeves and pulled them into an alley.

"STAMPEDE!!!" the villagers nearby ran for cover in houses, behind carts, under potted plants…

"Hinata-chan, you're a lifesaver!" Naruto scooped the Hyuga heiress in his arms.

Faint.

Sigh.

"Dobe, I think you just killed her…"

"AH! Hinata-chan!!"

* * *

"_Flowery Skies_? That sounds…safe enough." Orochimaru who recently returned from his near-death experience read the title of some random fan art.

Clickity-click.

Flabbergast!!

"Ka-bu-to…WHY ARE YOU _NAKED _WITH MY SASUKE-KUN!?!"

"I swear, I didn't!!"

FURY!

"You have DEFILED my Sasuke-kun's INNONCENCE!!"

Uh-huh…Look who's talking…

* * *

"So uh…what are your jutsus uh…Mary?" Asuma sucked in a mouthful of smoke.

Mary grinned brightly, "Well I do everything really! I can manipulate water, fire, earth, lightning, smoke, flower, ice, cloud, sound, metal, and cheese. I can fly, and I have an IQ over 1 trillion. I can also transform into any animal and bring back the dead. OH! Did I tell you-"

"I don't like her." Ino glared at the babbling Mary.

"Someone's jealous." Shikamaru stared at the clouds.

Glare.

"For your information, I-"

"-I can use any kind of weapon there is!"

Asuma rubbed his head, "Hm…let's get going."

"Finally…" Shikamaru got up slowly.

Mary stood up also and bumped into Ino, "Oops sorry loser…Guess not all of us are so graceful, neh?"

Glare.

_'Mary perfect-my-butt you have so made my hit list!'_

* * *

"WHAT?! Sakura-chan has to go to the dance!" Naruto cried.

Hinata shrugged, "S-she is the G-Godaime's a-apprentice after all…"

"Did she tell you why?" Sasuke nonchalantly asked.

"You TEME! Sakura-chan isn't going! This is bad!"

Glare.

"How is it bad? She doesn't want to go so she doesn't go."

Uchiha Glare of DOOM!!

Hinata and Naruto shrunk a little in the corner.

'_Someone's mad…'_

Flip.

"So Sakura doesn't want to go to the dance, eh?" Kakashi flipped a page of his precious Icha Icha Paradise.

High-pitched giggle.

"This is going to be most interesting…"

"Ka-ka-shi!!"

Jump.

"AH! Kurenai-san…what-"

"Don't…For your information, I have a date now with Asuma." Kurenai held a hand up.

"Aa…Congrats, so I guess that whole kill me thing was a woman thing, right?"

"What…?"

"Uh, did I say that? I said was it your time of the mon-"

"KA-KA-SHI!!!!"

_Shoot…_

* * *

"I don't know…This seems a bit…weird…" Sasuke fingered the floral print.

"I don't know about you but I feel pretty!" Naruto twirled in his equally flowery dress.

Stare.

"Uh…GRR! Manly, testosterone, grrr, meat, grrr…"

"Whatever…Why are we doing this?"

"Because, Sasuke-chan, Sakura needs our help!"

Sasuke raised his eyebrow, "How exactly is going to a Sakura-Hate Club helpful?"

Hinata tapped her fingers together, "W-we need as m-much information as p-possible to c-change S-Sakura's mind…"

"Yeah and we can't get in a Sakura fan club without getting mauled to death." Naruto pumped his fist in the air.

"And you think going into a hate club is any better?"

"Uh…yeah!"

Sasuke rolled his heavily eye shadowed eyes, "I can't believe I'm doing this…"

"YOSH! Let's go!!"

* * *

_Day 8 finished._

_Operation infiltrate Hate Club ENSUE!!_

* * *

A/N: Oh god…FINALLY!! I apologize for the lack of updates but I have been SO busy it's not even funny. Also I would like to congratulate _Foxic Cherrii _on winning the 200th review contest. SORRY chickie-dee it took so long!! Anyway I would also like to ask why some people thought this fanfic was over…its not. And I will now answer all reviews and questions on live journal. (I'll also have a reason why this was all so late) The link will be on my profile so got any questions go there. Also important author notes will be posted there too so do look for them!!

Squirrels have invaded your SOUL and the only way to get rid of them is to review. So REVIEW!!!


	9. Tip 9: Yamanaka Ino

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: (Intercom) WOO! Chapter 9!! Happy Valentines Day!! LOVE!–_bzzz_- That is all… (End of intercom)

Thanks to the following reviewers: _BABYdoe, SF Ranger, Sekushi Pug, Archerelf, NaruoKunoichi623, DemonDeReves, Parade, CrAzY-SiLLy-Me, CASE iN POiNT, Sweetnevermore, SakuraUchiha4, kimcat, Cheeseeatingsurrenderrat, SushiLuver, NazaliaSan, animemistress419, onyx eyed kitten, Tears like Crystals, lallyzippo, RasenganXChidori, Green Animelover, Lady Azura, tenshii-chan, BuBbLe GuM cHeRrY, Heartless Ghost, Suicidal Butterfly, coolyo, ness345, Hyousetsu, afitre, Mental Productions, Foxic Cherrii, Natsu Yukili, The Ultimate Fic Critic, Ur2tRoUbLeSoMe90, C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, StrugglingArtist_

Disclaimer: I do this every time so you should know by now…I do not own Naruto.

* * *

Tip 9: Yamanaka Ino

_Yamanaka, Ino:_

_Only female teammate of Team 10, name translates to "boar" (Which totally sucks…Oink…), has a fiery temper and is easily insulted (OINK!!!!)…_

Trip.

Stumble.

"HOLY MOTHER OF- Oh…it's you Kakashi…"

_Was once Sakura Haruno's best friend, then not, then best friends again. (Geez…just don't be best friends.) Hyper, flirty blonde who oddly resembles Naruto… (I sense strange things a-happening…What's with Konoha and the affairs!?)_

"Did you just say I'm like NARUTO?!"

_Searching for a compatible companion to spend lovely days and nights with…Warning: Has to tolerate loud obnoxious talking that never ends, mood swings, constant flirting and-or bashings on head, and a personality just like Ms. Pig-_

POW!!

"OW! I swear I wasn't going to say Ms. Piggy!"

Bash!

"CHA! Yeah right!!"

Drag to some unknown torture place…

_Have mercy on me…_

* * *

_Rule number nine in Kakashi's secret ninja book of ninja stuff:_

_Rules for the perfect date: Location, Location, Location!_

* * *

The Fifth Hokage…

The most powerful being in the ninja country of Konohagakure. Revered and feared for her abnormal strength, age-less beauty, and ability to heal almost any illness or injury.

And…she's laughing in her office…?

By herself…?

Dot. Dot. Dot.

Someone needs to take a visit to loony-ville, much?

"My plan is coming together so nicely. Won't be long now…Soon I, beautiful Godaime, shall REIGN SUPREMEEEE!! No one will stand in my way!!! MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-cough-hack-cough! Ew!! I think I swallowed a bug…"

Sweat drop.

Kakashi cocked an eyebrow up, "Uh…Right. So Sakura isn't going to the dance, what should we do?"

Tsunade grinned darkly and cackled, "All in good time, Kakashi, all in good time…"

"You are well aware that people are going to start thinking you're a TAD bit psychotic talking to yourself."

She took a swig of sake, "But I'm talking to you on this spiffy new microphone…"

Sweat drop.

"Do they know that?"

"Um…Give a minute…Uh…No…?"

"…"

"…OH!!! Why didn't you tell me, Kakashi!?"

Kakashi sighed, "But I thought you knew!"

Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose, "This is-"

* * *

"-totally and utterly RIDICULOUS!!" Ino glared spitefully at the teal-loving Mary-what's-her-face.

Munch.

Choji stuffed a handful of chips into his large mouth, "Why, Ino?"

"LOOK at her!! What does she look like!?"

Crunch.

Choji looked closely at Mary for a moment.

"Teal."

"NO! She's _cuddling _Shikamaru!! And he's NOT pushing her off!"

"Maybe it's because she's a leech?"

Silence.

"WOAH! Ino, calm down!! PUT THAT KUNAI DOWN!!!" Asuma grabbed the blonde female before she do major pain-age.

Mary smirked, "How un-ninja-like."

Crack.

And what was left of Ino's patience and no-killing-tolerance slowly poofed into pink pixie sticks.

Ohh…pixie sticks…

"OI! Author-lady-person, get back to the story!!"

Oops…

ANYWAY!

Squeak!

Five heads looked up to see a puffy white squirrel tittering above their heads.

"SQUIRREL!!" Choji squealed.

BAM!

Ino whipped her fist into his fat head, "We lost it, Choji!!"

Shikamaru face palmed, "How troublesome…"

Asuma took a long inhale of smoke, "Alright, twerps, let's split up. We'll cover more ground…Ino, Mary-something-something-something, and Shikamaru to the right; Choji and I to the left. Let's get that squirrel!"

"Some reason I'm glad Hinata isn't here with us…"

* * *

AH-CHOO!

Naruto slammed a hand on Hinata's back making her choke on her spit, "YOU OK HINATA-CHAN?!?"

"Stop yelling, Dobe."

"WHAT?!"

"Shut. Up."

Naruto cupped a hand on his ear, "YOU SAY SOMETHING, TEME!?!"

"Just shut up…"

"MAGIC PASSWORD!!!"

Sasuke grimaced and scowled, "…please…"

Grin.

"See that wasn't so hard, Teme."

"Can we please get this over with…?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head, "I still don't understand why we don't just use the Sexy Jutsu."

Sasuke groaned, "We went over this, Dobe…No means N-O!"

"Aw, come on, Sasuke-teme! It'll be FUN!"

"No, it won't. I _refuse _to do the Sexy Jutsu."

"But it'll be so realistic!"

"Can you keep it up for more than an hour?"

Naruto smiled sheepishly, "Well-"

"Exactly, now shut up and get changed."

* * *

"Hey Kabuto, what's this?"

"If it has anything to do with fan art, fan fiction, or anything _fan-ish _I don't want to be a part of it."

Orochimaru glared, "Nonsense Kabuto, my fiendish fiend, pure nonsense."

Kabuto watched skeptical "Then by all means, Orochimaru-sama, what is it?"

"What does Yaoi mean?"

Dun.

Dun.

Dun.

Kabuto pushed his glasses up his nose, "I think it's a type of fruit drink."

Orochimaru giggled girly, "OH! Maybe they have this _yaoi _in strawberry daiquiri, I'm feeling adventurous today."

Five minutes past…

"KABUTO!! LOOK YAOI!!!

* * *

"So I was like 'Oh no you didn't!' and he was like 'Oh yes I did!' so then we like fought and like guess what!?" Mary squealed loudly…VERY loudly.

Ino's eye twitched, "You died and this is just some cruel joke God is playing on us?"

"No silly! I like TOTALLY kicked his pa-tutti!"

"How troublesome…"

Shikamaru brushed some foliage away quietly.

Suddenly…

LATCH!!!

Something or someone grabbed his arm in a vice-grip, "Shika-kun did I ever tell you…-"

"No. And I don't want to know."

Twitch.

TWITCH.

Twitchity twitch, twitch…

"Why don't you and your prissy little behind just leave!" Ino yelled.

Mary scoffed then flipped her long luscious hair, "Puh-LEASE! You SO need my help!"

"You probably can't even escape a paper bag…"

"I have you know, I know almost 1 kajillion languages! Also I was top of my class of 1000. I beat them all with my pinky AND my arm and leg tied behind my back, WHILE doing the funky chicken!"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

OK! Moving along now…

* * *

"What. Are. You. Wearing. Dobe?" Sasuke glared at unfortunately his blond teammate.

Naruto flattened his wig, "What, I like this fabric, ok?!"

"Dobe, it's SPANDEX."

Cheeky grin.

"ORANGE spandex!"

And indeed, Naruto was wearing an orange spandex dress reaching to his knees, white knee-high boots courtesy of Hinata, and white scarf.

Sasuke tossed his hands up in the air, "I don't know you."

"Hey! At least my outfit is better than yours!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke gestured to his long flowery ankle length skirt to his hide his legs and a pink hoodie to cover his broad shoulders.

"Teme, that's FUGLY! Right, Hinata-chan?"

Hinata suddenly looked like a deer caught in headlights, "Uh…r-right…?"

Sasuke rubbed his forehead, "What do you mean it's FUGLY…?"

"You look like one of those hopeless fashion cases on the Women's channel. You know the ones with the long dirty dreadlocks, pink oversized T-shirt, and jeans the size of yo MOMMA!"

"Did you just call my mother _fat_?!"

Oh shi-

TERMINATOR SASUKE!

"YAH! Don't HURTTTT meeee!! I didn't mean tooooo!!"

Hinata grabbed Sasuke's arm, "We're here."

* * *

"AHHHHHHHHH!!! My EYESSSSSSS!!! THE PAIN!!! THE AGONY!!!!" Orochimaru clawed his eyes out.

Kabuto huddled in tree trunk rocking back and forth, "It's all just a dream…Just a dream…Happy thoughts…Rainbows, butterflies, walking on the beach, sunsets, gutting random people, murder, Naruto and Sasuke kiss-AHHHHHH!!! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!"

…

The culprit for the further mental instability in our two loveable stu-I mean sound ninjas…

One word: Episode 3.

Oh wait…that's 2…Whatever.

"When did THIS occur!?" Orochimaru wailed pointing to the flashy laptop screen.

"…Chicken heads…Fluffy marshmallows…Squirrel cakes…Pink grass…"

Weep.

"KABUTO!! NOOOOOO'S!!! Your BRAIN…IT'S BROKEN!!!"

* * *

"Did you hear that?" Ino peered over her shoulder behind her.

Mary sneered, "Hearing voices, Ino-_chan_? Maybe you should go back to camp if you're so scared, hm?"

"Yeah, too scared from your FACE."

The perfect girl gave a tittering laugh and both kunoichis stopped, "Oh puh-lease! Don't try to play the brave kunoichi here. We all know who it is."

"I mean seriously, who would like you anyway! You're so superficial and _weak_. Not at all the kunoichi, Shika-kun needs." She batted her eyes.

"…"

"Ino-_chan_, let's face it, I'm _better_ than you. I'm a top kunoichi, perfect in every way. I'm beautiful, smart, cute, funny, _perfect_…What do you have? Looks? Hardly!"

Ino looked down to the leafy ground fists tightly clenched to her sides.

"Shikamaru doesn't need you. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised they asked me to join their team right no-"

"Shut. Up."

_Ding, ding, ding!! Today's Kunoichi Rumble is starring Yamanaka Ino, mind possessor extraordinaire; and Mary Star Antoinette Kimi Hana Peach Kishimoto, some chick who likes the color teal. Let the battles BEGIN!!_

* * *

Knock.

One beady black eye glared out of a hole in a wooden door. "Password?" a gruff voice growled from beyond the door.

Naruto tugged his fake brunette locks, "Password…? THE HELL!!"

Sasuke flipped his waist long blonde hair over his shoulder, "Shut it, Dobe."

"Um…N-no one t-told us about a p-password." Hinata fidgeted with her floral print dress reaching a little past her knees and a strawberry blond wig to cover her black locks.

The voice barked, "No password, no entering."

Naruto moved forward, "Let me handle this…Soooo…What's your name?"

"Joe."

"Joe? What a nice name…Tell me a little about you, Joe…"

_Five minutes later…_

"A-and then t-they stole MY c-cookie! It was MY c-cookie!!" Naruto nodded sympathetically and fixed his thick rimmed glasses.

"Joe, get a hold of yourself! Don't let some little 5-year-olds rule your life. It's your life! YOUR life, not there's! Teach those midgets a lesson! I mean a 20-"

"I'm 40."

"Ok…I mean a 40 year old man should be able to eat his cookie in peace, right? Show them whose boss!"

The man wiped a tear, "You're so right, Naru-chan! How can I ever repay you?!"

"Well…you can open this door…"

* * *

"That was scary…"

Hinata blinked out of her stupor, "T-that was a-amazing."

Sasuke scoffed then entered the threshold, "If you call, helping a 40 year old man confront his fears about 5 year olds. Then yes, it was amazing."

"You guys are so slow!" Naruto- I mean Naru-chan squealed girly-like.

"Shut it, Dobe."

"YAH! Teme, that was cruel-"

"HIIIIIIIIYAAAAA!!" a random girl greeted them inside.

Naru-chan covered his-slash-her face with her abnormally large hands, "NOOOO! I'm too PRETTY to DIE!!!"

* * *

Ino cracked her knuckles. What _was _she doing?! She's Yamanaka Ino, girl who takes no crap from anyone! So why was she allowing this newbie tear her down…

"You're right."

Mary fell anime-style on the ground, "W-what did you say!?"

Ino shrugged, "You're right-"

Mary quickly got off the ground, "Of COURSE I'm right! I'm never-"

"I'm not done. I said you're right about _some _things."

Mary clamped her mouth shut.

Ino smirked widely, "I used to think beauty was everything. Everyday I would pretty myself up for the day, not working on my studies like I'm supposed to. It got so bad that I lost my best friend for one guy. I was vain. I was selfish. And I knew it. Did I like it? No. But I still went with it."

"I regret it. The many bad first impressions, how many people I annoyed, my _weakness_…You know what, Mary? You say you're perfect but no one is _perfect_." Her smirk slowly softened to a small smile.

"I'm not as smart as Sakura-chan, I'm not as strong as Tenten-chan, and I'm not as talented as Hinata-chan. But you know what I have? I have-"

"_Determination."_

GASP.

"Shikamaru?!"

* * *

"OK! Let's stop this moping around and do SOMETHING!!" Orochimaru clenched a fist in the air.

"Right after I burn all the bad images in my head…"

Orochimaru and Kabuto crouched on their knees and whispered conspiratorially.

"All we have to do is turn it off and we're good."

Kabuto gulped, "Alright on 5!"

"But I wanna count to five!!"

Sigh.

"Fine, Orochimaru-sama…"

"OK! Watch my back, Kabuto!" Orochimaru slid like a snake on his belly towards the cursed laptop.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1-

"AHHHHHHH!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!! THEY BURN!!!! MY INNOCENCE! Someone get me a spork so I can GOUGE my eyes out!!!"

'…Orochimaru-sama…You were supposed to close your eyes before you got there…'

* * *

"Welcome fellow Sakura-haters! Today is a glorious day for all us _beautiful intelligent _beauties. We have received word that, the demon overlord, Haruno Sakura will not go to the Spring Jounin Dance!" a girl with big lips and slightly on the fat side clapped her hands in triumph.

Sasuke, Naruto, and Hinata cowered in a corner trying to blend in.

"HOWEVER! Before we begin today's meeting, we must go over the rules…" the chunky girl, obviously the leader of the motley bunch whipped out a book.

And not just any book too.

It was a bright hot pink, able to blind anyone who stared more than 5 seconds. Lace fringed the edges and giant shiny glittery hearts of DOOM decorated the front and back. Sakura's face was crossed out in a thick black marker in the center.

The leader flourished her arms as she opened said frightening ability-to-burn-your-eyes-from-their-sockets book.

Actually it looked like some plump turkey flapping away. But that's just my opinion…

"Rules? They actually have rules?" Naruto whispered.

Hinata nodded slightly, "M-maybe it won't be so bad…"

"Rule numero uno!! You must hate Haruno Sakura with a BURNING passion to be in this club! She is a witch; an evil, conniving, little _beep_! If given any chance to murder, DO IT! Take out her insides and sell them on EBay! You hear!? EBAY, THE GOD OF CHEAP STUFF!!"

"Um, Leader-san, I think EBay is a girl…" a random hater raised her hand.

"Ah…Take her to _The Room!!"_

"NOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! HAVE MERCY ON MY SOULL!" the girl was dragged out by her hair to some unknown place.

The 3 shinobi watched wide eyed.

"What have we got ourselves into…?"

* * *

Shikamaru heard the whole thing.

And you know what that means?

He was _eavesdropping_. NOOOO! He has committed a _sin_! It's almost as bad as looking through a girl's purse…

Shikamaru rolled his eyes at the two gaping girls. This was much too troublesome. First he's battling nature in the middle of nowhere. Next he's all alone IN the middle of nowhere. Now after almost getting attacked by fluffy bunnies and random walnuts he finds them ready to start one hell of a catfight.

"Shika-kun! Did you come to save me?" Mary batted her eyes sickly.

"No."

"Did you come to save _me_?" Ino placed her hands on her hips.

"No.

Oh…What a kill-joy…

Ino almost slapped the shadow-user, "Then why did you come?!"

"Geez…How troublesome…" Shikamaru covered his ears.

"How?"

A sudden dramatic wind breezed by.

Ino and Shikamaru watched Mary.

"How can you resist me?! I'm PERFECT!!" Mary stomped her booted foot on the leafy ground.

Whoosh! Tumbleweed passes by…

"Cause you're troublesome."

Blood drained out of her _perfect _face, "E-excuse me? You're siding with _her_!"

Shikamaru winced at her shrill tone, "…So what if I am? Just GO already."

Ino waved, "Buh bye!"

Huff.

"FINE! I hate you all! I don't even know why I stayed with a bunch of weaklings like you!" she turned her heel and entered the woods.

Dot. Dot. Dot.

"Troublesome…I hope she knows there's a cliff leading to shark-infested waters over there…"

"YAHHH!!"

Ino cackled evilly, "Guess not!"

"OH MY GOD!!! Don't EAT me!!! MY SPLEEN!!"

Ino covered her ears, "EW…indigestion, much?"

"Let's go back."

Ino giggled and grabbed his hand, "Yup! I need to get back and buy my dress!"

Shikamaru gave her a puzzling look, "Dress…?"

"Silly, you're taking me to the dance!"

"I am…? When? How?"

Ino swatted his arm, "Since I like you and I'll gut you like a fish if you don't."

And with that Ino left Shikamaru in her dust.

"…Wait…Ino! Troublesome woman!! Stop!"

* * *

Asuma, after a serious secret cuddle session with Nemo, took a smoke, "What took you guys so long?"

Ino glared, "What that supposed to mean? Where's the squirrel?"

Choji swung a cage with a white squirrel in it around in a fast circle, "Spin squirrel, SPIN!!!"

Sweat Drop…

"Uh…right. Where's Mary?" Asuma blew a smoke ring.

"Let's just say she's saying hello to the fishies…-"

"OH! NEMO!!"

"No, Asuma-sensei…No."

"Uh…Is there a possibility you'll all freakishly somehow forget that?"

"Not a chance, sensei, not a chance." Ino crossed her arms.

"Spin faster, squirrel!!"

* * *

Meanwhile past the large cliff, sharp rocks, and man-eating sharks…

"Ha! I LIVE!!" Mary emerged from the water with chunks of clothes eaten and many bite marks adorning her skin.

Darn it, she's alive…

"Just wait Ino-pig! I'll return and claim what is rightfully mi-"

_Quack._

"Ducks of DOOM!! Away you feathery things with feathers!! NO!!! Not my hair!!!"

_Day 9 finished._

_Operation Albino Squirrel completed. Operation Hate Club continuing…_

* * *

A/N: Ah you people are indeed beyond awesome! It's my entire fault really, I should have thought out all the chapters before posting. However, HOPEFULLY that's gonna change…currently in the works is completed or almost completed Chapter 10. I'll be working on 2 chapters at a time to keep this story flowing. Though with all this randomness…I doubt it's "flowing"…By the way, Episode 3 is the episode where Naruto and Sasuke kiss.

Squirrels have joined forces with the Mary-Sues, to defeat them you must review! REVIEW, DARN IT!!


	10. Tip 10: Rock Lee

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: YAH!!! Chapter 10!!!!!!!! I've finally reached it. 300 Reviews!!!! (Drools from the Mouth) You all make my day!! I've been waiting for SO long to write the NejiTen Arc of my story. (Wink) If you like my squirrel jokes, then you'll like these next chapters. (Wink)

Special Thank-ies for the Reviewers: EmiieRoxs, NaruXHina1234, instantnoodlelover, onyx eyed kitten, o1DATTEBAYO, CASE iN POiNT, NazaliaSan, CrAzY-SiLLy-Me, lallyzippo, Sweetnevermore, pinkcrayon, SweetKisses9, SimpleLing, ness345, Lady Azura, Cheeseeatingsurrenderrat, mitsukai tsubasa, C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, Hyousetsu, Ur2tRoUbLeSoMe90, Archerelf, Sarah Rebecca, BuBbLe GuM cHeRrY, Chibi-Penguin-Chan, SakuraUchiha4,DemonDeReves, StrugglingArtist, Foxic Cherrii, Crystal Koneko, Parade...

Disclaimer: Oh look, I bought Naruto off EBay! (Lawyers suddenly appear and snatch it away) Well…it was nice when I had it…I don't own Naruto!

* * *

Tip 10: Rock Lee

_Rock Lee:_

_Eighteen years of age, freak among freaks among even more freaks (He scares me…), known for his "youthful" taijutsu style and speed (Hola! Speedy Gonzales!)_

"I sense youthful schemes coming from that oddly placed bush there!"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

_Wears a green jumpsuit, huge fuzzy eyebrows (He's an eyebrow stealer, I say…), weird shaped eyes (Those aren't normal, yo…), in fact let's just say he looks JUST LIKE Gai…_

Poke.

SWAP!

"YOSH! Kakashi-san!! Why are hiding in that youthful bush?!"

_Love interest is the infamous pretty pink-haired kunoichi, Sakura Haruno (Pink and green SO don't match…), has recently picked up a hobby of stalking Sakura (Imagine their children…Gag.), however has an unhealthy adoration to Gai (Curioser, curiouser…), actually I wouldn't be surprised if they both were in love with ea-_

"GAI-SENSEI!! I FOUND HIM!!!"

Dash!

Super Kakashi Speed!

"No! Come back!! YOSH!"

_Run, run, run, run, run…_

* * *

_Rule number ten in Kakashi's special belated Valentine's special dating tips:_

_Key to a Girl's Heart: Sensitivity…And Chocolate!_

* * *

Today is a glorious day!

The birds are singing, the sun shining, the flowers blooming; everything is perfect. And what is our three main shinobi doing? Why, Team Gai is getting ready for a super secret mission that no one knows about-

"YOSH! I can't wait to do our top secret mission that is youthful training at the forest behind Hokage Mountain!!"

Or _was_ top secret…

Tenten sighed before putting her hands on her hips, "Lee, you just told everyone within a 50 mile radius about our mission!"

"Oh…"

Scoff.

Neji walked ahead, "Let's just get this over with…"

Lee posed in all his green jumpsuit glory, "Neji, I WILL beat you!"

"…Keep dreaming."

"My youthful dream will become reality during our mission!!"

Tenten face palmed herself, "This is going to be a _long _mission…"

* * *

"I don't understand why you won't throw that out, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto warily watched the slightly man-handled laptop in his master's arms.

Orochimaru looked miffed, "I spent quite a lot on this laptop, Kabuto-chan. I'm not going to just toss it out!"

"You PAID for it?"

"Well, actually I stole it using my special magical jutsu called _Rainbow Sprinkles of DOOM _but it's the same thing!"

Kabuto cleaned his glasses, "…Right."

"But enough of this pointless talk! Here's what we do now!"

"Capture Sasuke?"

Orochimaru grinned, "No! Let's buy yellow polka dot bikinis!!"

Dun. Dun. DUN!

* * *

Naruto slumped in his chair. He was _dying_. How long has he been here dressed uncomfortably in a spandex dress and itchy wig? A week? Two weeks? He weakly gripped Hinata's arm.

"Hinata-chan, I don't think I'm gonna make it…T-tell Iruka-sensei that I'm sorry I ate his cat nip…-"

Bonk.

Sasuke hit Naruto in the head, "Dobe, we've been here for a day."

"NOOOO! We'll die here, teme! Don't you get it! I-OH! COOKIE!!!"

Sasuke rolled his heavily eye shadowed eyes and straightened his blonde wig, "Dobe…"

"Rule number 399: If by any chance you are stranded on an island with Haruno Sakura, you are to take 50 coconuts and throw. Then repeat. Then throw again. Repeat this process until Sakura is pleading for mercy or dead. Death is preferred."

He frowned. They have been here for awhile now. 22 hours actually…

22 HOURS!!

That's WAY too long! It's like 2 and 2 together. What does that make?!

4. That's right it make fo-NO! Let me rephrase…It's like 20 and 2 together! What does that make?

22.

The devil number…

Sasuke could feel the veins in his head twitch violently. Why did he even agree to this again?!

_Mini Flashback:_

_Hinata tapped her fingers together, "W-we need as m-much information as p-possible to c-change S-Sakura's mind…"_

_"Yeah and we can't get in a Sakura fan club without getting mauled to death." Naruto pumped his fist in the air._

Oh yeah…

Sasuke cringed. He didn't know which was worse, the haters or the psychotic lovers.

"Rule number 400-"

* * *

It was quiet. Too quiet…

Neji glanced at their strangely silent green jumpsuit-wearing teammate. Nope, not even a peep.

This was odd. Very odd…Never in the existence of who knows when has Lee ever _shut up_. Why just 5 minutes ago he was jabbering on and on _and on _about the youthful properties of tea leaves.

Nudge.

Neji felt someone poke him gently at his side. Pale eyes met brown eyes. Pretty brown eyes…

'_Me likesssss, much!'_

Neji rolled his eyes briefly. Oh HELL no…

'_Yes! It is I, your conscience! Back from that box you stuffed me in and ready to kick some-'_

'Please go away.'

His inner smirked, '_Tut, tut! NEVER!!'_

'Go. Away.'

'_Whatcha gonna do? Byakugan me? HA! I'd like to see you try, you'd only be doing it to yourself…In fact, do it, I DARE you!'_

'You are such a pest.'

'_I know. I'm quite proud. ANYWAYS, we're off topic! Who's the hottie?'_

'You mean…Lee?'

'_Ha ha, what a sense of humor…No, the GIRL, with those adorable buns, big brown eyes, small hands, nice-'_

'…Stop…'

'_-butt, pretty waist, long legs, pouty pink lips-'_

"STOP!"

Everyone stopped to look at Neji. He did not just yell out like that, he did not…OH MY GOD! He did, he did!

Tenten backed off slowly, "Uh, Neji, I was just asking if you got any extra bandages."

'_Nice job, now she thinks you're mental with a capital M.'_

'…'

'_You know, if it was me, I would have smooched her by now.'_

'This is exactly why you're not me.'

'_That so didn't make sense, BUT it's not my fault you're asexual.'_

'…What. Did. You. Just. Say?'

'_Yup. Not a single hormone. It's your entire fault really; if you didn't SHOVE your hormones and feelings away you wouldn't be so…blah.'_

'You're an idiot.'

'_HEY! I resent that!'_

'It's the truth.'

'_Oh please God, don't start that destiny crap again.'_

'…'

'_You know what I think is destiny, you getting together with that girl.'_

'Her name's Tenten.'

'_Eh? Oh ho, ho see you likkkkeeee her! You remembered her name!'_

Neji rubbed his temple from the oncoming headache, 'We've known each other for almost seven years.'

'_Oh…Kill joy.'_

'And I'm proud to be one.'

* * *

Kabuto was always the faithful perfect subordinate. Never talking back or questioning his master's action. But now…

He is seriously doubting Orochimaru's mental stability right now.

"Orochimaru-sama, do you know what a b-bikini is?" the word burned a hole into Kabuto's tongue.

Laugh.

"Course I do, it's a type of game!"

"No. It's clothing. VERY skimpy clothing…FOR GIRLS." He stressed the word _girls._

"Oh…Really?"

"Really."

"Really, really?"

"REALLY, really."

"…Real-"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, _really_."

Orochimaru wagged his finger, "You know what, Kabuto, you have quite the temper…"

"No, really?"

"And sarcastic…"

STARING CONTEST!!!

"…"

"…"

"THONG, TH-ONG, THONG, THONG!!!" Orochimaru suddenly burst into song.

Kabuto sighed. Oh the things he does for world domination and evil…

* * *

"GAH! I can't take it anymore!! I'm _this _close to killing myself" Naruto whispered loudly while indicating with an inch in between his thumb and index finger.

"N-Naru-chan…"

Sasuke snorted, "And what exactly are you going to use to kill yourself, _Naru-chan_?"

"Well, SASUKINA- CHAN, I'll use…this shoelace!"

Glare.

Curse that abominable name! Sasukina…how original…

"…T-that's not a shoelace…"

Naruto looked at Hinata then at the _shoelace_, "Course it's a shoelace, I mean what else would it-OH MY GOD!! Is that a…Noodle?"

"Aa…"

"HEY YOU!! The loud brunette in the corner! Like totally SHUT UP!" a not too quiet hater yelled from across the room.

"Yeah well you shut up!"

Genius, Naruto, pure genius…

"TAKE THAT GIRL TO _THE ROOM_!!!"

Immediately Naru-chan was dragged forcefully by a pair of burly she-males.

"I demand a trial!!"

Sasukina sighed, "Dobe…"

* * *

"YOSH! Neji, your YOUTHFUL flame has dwindled to a tiny flame! Why are you so gloomy?"

"I'm not."

Lee tapped a finger to his chin. Suddenly a light bulb clicked on in his youthful brain and his teeth went a blinding _ping_!

"I know what will cheer you up!!"

Tenten crossed between the two sweat dropping, "Lee…-"

"The sun will come out! TOMORROW! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…There'll be SUNNNN!!"

Pow!

BASH!

"Ah! The youthful pain is painful to my youth…What's a bottom dollar?"

Neji ignored the fuzzy eyebrows boy, "Don't know, don't care."

GASP!

"Maybe the bottom dollar is inferior to the top dollar! Don't worry bottom dollar! You'll ALWAYS be NUMBER 1 in my book!"

Suddenly a figure whooshed past them.

"Did someone say, bottom dollar!?"

"Indeed, Gai-sensei!!"

Gai patted the boy on the back, "Let us sing!"

"Let's."

"NOOOOOO!!!"

"THE SUN WILL COME OUT-"

* * *

Naruto felt sweat drip down his head. This wasn't too bad.

Yeah, being strapped to a hard chair with duck tape surrounding your legs, arms, and torso in front of a blank television is not too bad at all…

I mean seriously what's the worse they could do.

Suddenly the TV blinked on…

"HEY KIDS!!! Guess whose back!!! It's me…BARNEY!!! I LOVVVVVVEEEE YOU!!!" a large purple dinosaur danced on the screen.

Oh.

My.

God.

"NOOOOO!!! NOT AGAINNNNN!!! Stop the IMAGES!!!"

* * *

Hinata nervously looked at the door, "I h-hope Naru-chan is a-alright…"

"You like Naruto, don't you?"

BLUSH!

"N-noo, what makes you say that…?"

Sasuke snorted again, "You asked me if Naruto is alright about 100 times and it hasn't even been five minutes yet."

"W-well do you like Sakura-chan, S-Sasukina?"

Did Hinata just smart mouth Sasuke?

HOLY-Woah that's creepy…

Sasuke looked at Hinata incredulously, "…No."

"T-that might have believable if you didn't b-blush."

Blush…

"I'm not b-blushing."

Hinata nodded her head knowingly, "Whatever y-you say S-Sasukina…"

Sasuke turned his head and scowled.

'I _definitely_ don't like Sakura.'

_'Sure you don't, Sasukina!'_

Oh. No.

_'Hell yes, Inner Sasuke is in the building!!'_

* * *

"I'm bored."

"I know Orochimaru-sama, you told me already for the past ten minutes."

"Feels like an _eternity _to me…" Orochimaru dramatically sighed.

Kabuto grumbled, "Tell me about it…"

"Fine I will! This reminds of the time when I was 10 and got a nutty monkey bar. It was MY nutty monkey bar. And you know what happened! A bunch of ugly girls STOLE it. STOLE IT!! Ate it right in front of me, they did…Then I sent mini hordes of snakes to attack and burrow into their innards. That was fun…"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

"Um…"

"Totally, I know!"

Kabuto pointed to the small clearing below, "No I mean there are people down there."

"WHERE?!"

And indeed there were people. A certain fun-loving, jumpsuit-wearing, weapon-throwing team known as Team Gai…Are we talking about the right team here?

"YOSH!! Finally, we have arrived to our youthful destination!!" Lee pumped a fist in the air.

"INDEED, Lee! Let us train till sweat pours from our backs like a waterfall!"

EW.

Waterfall of sweat…? Not cool.

"Let's just train, already." Neji rolled his eyes.

Tenten smiled brightly, "Come on, Neji! Let's train."

_'Yeah…I would totally like to train that body…' _Inner Neji made a sizzling sound.

'Have you no shame?'

_'Well someone has to be the hormonal male here since obviously you won't.'_

'At least I'm not some manner less animal.'

_'Hey at least Super Eyebrows over there HAS a love interest. You, I'm a bit worried about…I don't want to be an inner for some asexual.'_

'I'm not asexual.'

_'Oh yes, that TOTALLY opens my eyes and see you in a new light…Not. Can you please actually say that with oh I don't know…EMOTION?'_

'…You want proof?'

Inner Neji tapped a finger to his imaginary chin_, 'That would be nice.'_

'…Watch me.'

_'Hey! What are you-'_

Neji's hand took a hold of Tenten's pack.

Tenten's eyes grew wide like saucers, "I-"

'_Wow…I can't believe you actually did it…You are well aware I'm pretty much a figment of your imagination, right?'_

'…#$#$...'

"MY SQUIRREL SENSES ARE TINGLING!!!"

* * *

_'So…Do I even want to know why you're in a skirt?' _

Sasuke gritted his teeth and mocked, 'I thought you knew everything?'

Inner Sasuke nonchalantly waved, _'I do, but I was in Hawaii at the time.'_

'…Hawaii?'

_'YUP! The sun, girls in bikinis; it was the best. But I missed my little Sasukina, so I came back.'_

'Shut. Up.'

_'So why are being so angsty, eh Sasuke-chan?'_

'None of your business.'

_'So our Sakura-chan isn't going to this dance-thingy…We must STOP her!! I NEED my Sakura-chan!!'_

Sasuke mentally banged his head, 'Just leave me alone…'

_'NO! Not until we convince Sakura to go to the dance with us!'_

'If she doesn't want to go, then she's not going.'

_'Uh huh…Do you not realize that Sakura has almost as much fans as you?'_

'…'

_'I take that as a no. You need to listen more; I'm the one getting stuffed with all this info.'_

'So.'

_'SO?! So OTHER boys, that are not YOU, are bound to ask her. What if she says yes?!'_

'She wouldn't.'

_'Oh and where have you been all this time? You practically shove her around and reject her every passing moment.'_

'That was the past.'

_'And the future is any better? You barely talk to her anyway. I wouldn't be surprise if she gets a boyfriend.'_

Sasuke clenched his fists, 'She wouldn't.'

_'Oh? And why wouldn't she?'_

'Because if any other boy asks her I'll make sure he learns to regret it.'

_'I have a real bad feeling about this…'_

* * *

"SQUIRREL!!" Lee launched himself in the air to fly tackle a squirrel.

A very _large_ and odd looking squirrel…

Tenten stood dumbstruck, "Lee…That's not a squirrel…"

Lee's teeth flashed a blinding white, "YOSH! Course it is! Right, Mr. Squirrel?!"

Cough.

Cough.

"Uh…right."

"TALKING SQUIRREL!!"

And indeed it was a talking squirrel. Actually in reality it was-

* * *

"Kabuto! Am I good or am I GOOD? This ingenious plot to use my squirrel cosplay has finally come true!" Orochimaru patted himself on the back.

Kabuto flattened his costume fur, "I'm a squirrel."

"A _nutty_ squirrel!"

"…"

Orochimaru chuckles, "Ha, nutty…That's a funny word! NUTTTTY!!! Say it with me, Kabuto!"

"Nutty."

"That's the spirit!"

* * *

Fake blobby tears tailed down Lee's face, "My youthful fantasies have come youthfully true!"

Gai patted the boy on the head, "Let us savor this youthful moment!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!!"

Neji did hand signs, "I'm going to use the Byakugan. This is suspicious."

Tenten nodded, "Yup."

"Byakug-"

"NOOO! Nejiiii! YOSH!! DON'T BYAKUGAN THE SQUIRRELLL!!Your radioactive eyes will KILLLLL it!!!"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

"Did you just call my eyes _radioactive_?"

"YOSH! Indeed I-AHH! Don't BYAKUGAN meeee!!!"

BASH!

Tenten shook her head, "This is going to be a _long _mission…"

* * *

_Day 10 finished._

_Operation NejiTen beginning!_

* * *

A/N: Wow…This is actually short compared to my earlier chapters. Not much Lee action or squirrel jokes as I planned. It was more NejiTen and SasuSaku than anything else. With a hint of NaruHina of course…Hopefully my plan of work-on-2-chapters-a-time can continue. I'M GETTING A JOB!!!! Be afraid, be VERY afraid…

Every time you review this story, a squirrel and a Mary-Sue dies…REVIEW!!! Review for the SAKE of GOOD fan fiction!!


	11. Tip 11: Hyuga Neji

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: Well we're pretty much a little past the half-way point, and looking back on it now…I wonder if I was really sane in the head when I wrote this. Ha, ha! But nevertheless this story is definitely my baby. Keep up the LOVEEE!

A/N 2: I've been thinking about this for awhile now…I might change my screen name for Something a little more…mature I suppose. Lil-Fluffy-Chan began from my obsession with InuYasha and that phase kinda died. So…OPINION?!

Happy, Happy Thank you's!: Hoshimirumi, Kickass-Kunoichi, sakura-koneko, Moona-Chan, layafel, Amei-chan, Jigoku no Kamunagi, Alien26, killertutu5, TehNarutoFan, CASE iN POiNT, Green Animelover, EmiieRoxs, FoCuSyOuRmInD, Minnane, NaruXHina1234, Cheeseeatingsurrenderrat, NazaliaSan, MM-Kokopelli, cut.class.not.frogs, Sweetnevermore, Hannah, DemonDeReves, Parade, Momo ninja, BuBbLe GuM cHeRrY, lallyzippo, C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, Foxic Cherrii, pinkcrayon, sakura9898, SakuraUchiha4, Sora Akari, Sarah Rebecca, kurlyQT, Kunoichi142, cocoapuffaddict, Chibi-Penguin-Chan, Aria-chan09, Archerelf, SimpleLing, ness345, SweetKisses9…

Disclaimer: This story and plot is my baby, NOT Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto owns that title.

* * *

Tip 11: Hyuga Neji

_Hyuga Neji:_

_Eighteen years of age but acts like a fifty-year-old (He's almost as bad as Sasuke…), tends to stick to himself and push fellow peers away (Anti-social much…Emo…)_

Crunch.

Snap.

"…"

_Has long brown hair (Too long…Suspicious…), hates restricting clothing (Even more suspicious…), is one of the most talented Byakugan-users (SUCK! Sharingan is BETTTER…Neji is a suspicious dude…)_

Twitch.

"…Kakashi-san, are you implying I'm a GIRL?"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

_Lives in the Branch section of the Hyuga Clan (Total emo-age.), claims destiny is of great importance (More emo-age.), has regained happy friendly bonds with Hinata Hyuga (I don't think happy is a good word to use for Neji…), teammates include Tenten and Rock Lee (Albeit he uses that Byakugan QUITE a lot…hopefully on the girl…please be the girl-)_

BYAKUGAN!

Kakashi Leap of Death!!

"I'm going to skin you alive!"

_I'm too young to DIE…!_

* * *

_Rule number eleven in the Ninja Guide to Ninja-licious Dating Tips:_

_Love Equation: Same likes plus same dislikes equals COMPATIBILITY!_

* * *

Neji hated a lot of things.

Well…Hate was a strong word…

Neji _strongly and absolutely dislikes_ a lot of things.

Main dislike?

Rock Lee…

Neji could feel a vein throb in his forehead. Surely Lee would notice by now that the two "squirrels" were imposters. I mean, SERIOUSLY, it's not that hard to figure out. I mean, there's a _zipper_ on the back for crying out loud…in clear view…where everyone can see. But it seems he gave Lee too much credit since-

"Tell me, oh Great Youthful Squirrel-Sama! Do you prefer provolone or swiss?"

…Right. Too much credit.

Neji also and I quote _strongly and absolutely dislikes_ unquote squirrels.

Reason?

Simple…They're annoying. All that happy tittering and nut-cracking…They're such a DISTRACTION. You're on a mission, see a fluffy-tailed squirrel, and then you lose a limb or two because you fell from a fifty-story tree.

Yeah I thought so.

They're a hazard, I say, hazard…

It seems mutual hatred for squirrels runs in the family…

"Lee, that's not a squirrel." Tenten sweat dropped.

SWEAT DROP OF DOOOOMMM!

Lee puffed out his chest, "Nonsense, my youthful Tenten! See they're tails! Youthful fluffy-wuffy tails!"

Which came back to Neji's many dislikes…

Neji doesn't like fluffy things. They're so…_fluffy_…and…_poofy…_

'_Well no duh, Sherlock!'_

'…Not again…'

'_DAMN STRAIGHT I'M BACK!'_

'Think…happy…thoughts…'

'_Our Tenten-chan is in PERIL! Quick! To the Hyuga MOBILE!!'_

'…What?'

'_You know, THE Hyuga Mobile! The fastest car in the NINJA WORLD! Not to mention the spiffy flaming bunnies…'_

'God help me…'

'_FLAMING BUNNIESSSSS!!! They go POOOFFFF in the night!!'_

* * *

Meanwhile with our wonderful drag-I mean super secret agents…

"And last but surely not the least…-"

Had Sasuke been a normal, not-so-ice-cube-ish boy he would be dancing pirouettes while singing "Build Me Up, Buttercup".

However, to our fan-based displeasure he's not "normal" per say…

"-UCHIHA SASUKE IS OUR ONE TRUE LOVE AND HOMIE!!!"

Whoa.

Hold up!

Did he just hear that correctly? Surely the two days of non-stop jabbering must have taken an extreme toll on his hearing. That and the fact that Naruto was squealing in the other room…

"AHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOO TELETUBBIES FROM HELLLLL!!!! DON'T EAT MY SOUL!!!!!"

Uh…Well not _squealing _per say…

Sasukina coughed in his-slash-her hand.

"Uh…E-excuse m-me?" Hinata tapped the shoulder of a girl sitting in front of them.

The girl twirled around in a swirl of blonde and sparkles, "Like what?"

Hinata had to refrain from blinking uncontrollably from the sudden flash of blinding light. Almost like a randomly placed solar flare _inside_…

"This is the club for Sakura-haters correct?" Sasuke took extra care to giggle like a simpering school girl.

…Ew…Sasuke? Giggling? OH shot me now…

"Well like yeah! Were you like born like yesterday? Like OH MY GOD! Everyone like knows that Sakura is like the closest like female to like be with Sasuke. Like duh!"

"Well like listen here." Sasuke mentally slammed his head repeatedly on the wall.

He did not just talk like some freaky girl.

Him. Uchiha Sasuke, all powerful alpha-male of masculine testosterone.

The world as we know it was ending.

"You have no right to say anything about me!"

"Like what?"

"Uh…I meant Sasuke. Yeah Sasuke."

"Cha, like WHATEVER!"

Hinata leaned back in her seat as the blonde whipped her head around, "N-nice g-going, Sasuke-s-san."

'_Yeah, nice-going.'_

* * *

"So I climbed out of the tree and guess what I found?!"

Lee clasped his hands in front of him, "OH Youthful Squirrel-Sama, tell your most-devoted youthful subject!"

Orochimaru-Squirrel smirked, "I found…A NUT!!!!"

"MOST YOUTHFULLY INSPIRING!!! Right, Gai-sensei!?"

"INDEED, LEE!"

Tenten peered over her shoulder at the screaming bunch, "I feel kind of bad leaving Lee there…"

Neji dodged a kunai, "Don't bother."

She whipped another bunch of shuriken out, "But what if they take him hostage or something?"

"I doubt it now concentrate Tenten."

'_Oh you're so smooth…NOT.'_

'I have no time for your idiocy.'

'_Cha, you know you want some of that.'_

'God, you're annoying.'

'_Blah, blah, blah mister asexual.'_

'…Do something else other than annoying me.'

'_Fine, I will…'_

'Peace, quiet, solitude…'

'_SMACK THAT ALL ON THE FLOOR! SMACK THAT TILL YOU GET SOREEEEE!! SMACK THAT!!!!'_

"ARGH! I can't take it anymore!"

Stare.

"Uh…Neji, you alright?"

Glance.

Neji's pale eyes soften a little.

Like teeny tiny little itty bit much…

You get the point.

"Fine, just fine."

* * *

_Fzzt._

The box-from-down-under-and-not-Australia-either blinked off.

"GODS HAVE FINALLY ANSWERED MY PRAYER!!!"

A random she-male thug turned the TV back on, "My bad, my hand slipped."

Big blobby tears ran down Naru-chan's face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

_And we will now return to our main feature…_

* * *

"Squirrel-sama, I have a confession I must reveal before my youthfully chiseled chest BURSTS with emotion!"

"Uh…sure kid…"

"WONDERFUL! There is this girl I love. She is more youthful than even the fiery Tenten. However, I have this youthful rival named Uchiha Sasuke! He will steal the fiery youthful flame that is Sakura's INNOCENCE!!"

Thinking.

"Uchiha Sasuke you say…"

Lee's buggy eyes burst into flames, "Yes, Uchiha Sasuke! THE OVERLORD OF DARK…THINGS AND…DARKNESSS!!!"

Orochimaru cackled internally because if he cackled out loud then his master disguise will be ruined!!

Uh…right keep dreaming.

"Kabuto do you hear this?!"

Kabuto, who was forgotten throughout the plot of this chapter, looked up from his self-preening.

Wait…what?

…Never mind, I don't want to know.

"Kabuto, my pretty pink princess, squirrels don't _preen_. They're not ducks."

No, REALLY, Orochimaru?!

Kabuto wiggled his monstrous tail, "What else am I supposed to do, sir? The fur keeps sticking up."

"Lick it."

Glare.

"I'm not _licking _anything, sir."

Pout.

"Not even a lollipop?"

"…No."

Orochimaru sighed and returned to his Double-Fruity-Tutty-Swirly-Twirly-Blast, aka. Random-Cherry-Lollipop-He-Stole-From-Some-Kid.

Lee tugged the mutant squirrel, "Squirrel-sama?"

"Hey, hey hands off the merchandise."

"SORRY SQUIRREL-SAMA! BUT PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME WITH YOUR YOUTHFUL RAYS!!"

"Listen here kid, there's no way you can beat Sasuke and gain that chick's affection. Unless you suddenly became Sasuke there's a snowballs chance in hell for you."

* * *

"So are you going to the dance, Neji?"

Neji almost spat his water out.

"W-what?"

Oh great, he's starting to sound like Hinata. No offense to Hinata of course…

Tenten raised an eyebrow, "I said are you going to the dance."

'Is she asking me out?'

'_I will die a happy pansy if she is!'_

"Well it's not as if I can refuse…"

Tenten smiled and breathed a sigh of relief, "Great! I was worried I wouldn't really know anyone going."

'_She is SO asking us out!'_

'Shut up! We need to act calm…collected.'

'_Right. Act ninja-like. Eye of the Tiger.'_

"So…I'm guessing you already know who you want to go with…" Neji tightened the bandages on his arms.

Blush.

"A-ah…w-well…I was going to wait until Lee got back but I'm sure he can wait."

Huh?

Why does she need to tell Lee?

Don't tell me…

"It's not Lee is it?"

Tenten waved her hands back and forth quickly, "No, no, you got the wrong idea. He's still too worked up about Sakura."

Oh…WHEW!

Smile.

"I'm actually going with-"

* * *

"This is ridiculous…" Sasuke crossed his arms over his water balloon chest.

"D-definitely…"

Sasuke glanced at the fidgeting Hyuga beside him. Her eyes kept flickering from her wringing hands to the door hiding Naruto-I mean Naru-chan.

Sigh.

"If you like him so much just confess already. It's grating on my last nerves."

"T-then I s-suggest you do the s-same b-before it's t-too late…"

Sasuke glared his patent "Uchiha Glare of Doom and Future Pain and Suffering".

"What the hell is that supposed to-"

All eyes were suddenly on him. His hand drifted to where his blonde wig _used _to be.

Note the past tense.

'Oh crap…'

'_Ditto…'_

"SASSSSSUKKKKEEEE-SAAAMMMMAAAA!!!"

* * *

Turn.

A tilt of the head.

Green eyes scanned the forestry in front of her.

A puzzled look.

"Odd…," Sakura Haruno tapped a finger to her chin, "I thought I heard someone call Sasuke…"

Shrug.

Said pink-haired kunoichi skipped away.

'Must be my imagination…'

* * *

"So…Let me get this straight…Sakura is going to burst through my door demanding I give her missions on the day of the SUPA-DUPA DANCE-A-PALOZZA! And I, being the wonderful and beautiful and curvaceous Godaime, will fall for her girlish charms granting said pink-haired sweet-child-of-mine a mission. But of course everyone will be ginormous-ly angry and a possible fan boy riot will occur right outside my door. And that would cause less people getting in and out of the building and possible death by wild stampede. AND that would cause the economy to go down BIG time. Did I get everything?" Tsunade sat back quite pleased with herself.

"I think someone's a tad tipsy."

Pout.

"KA-KA-SHI!!!! Am I CORRECT-O?!" Tsunade pulled the devious puppy dog eyes.

"In a sense…with fewer words…And how exactly will it cause the economy to go down?" Kakashi peered over his novel or…thingy I don't know.

"Do you KNOW how many fan boys that girl has?"

Kakashi laughed nervously, "Ah…Right. Stupid Question."

"Uh huh…AND SO OUR SOLUTION!"

"Why are you yelling?"

Tsunade huffed, "Because it makes me feel important."

"But aren't you the _GODAIME_?"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

"ANYWAY! As I was saying all we have to do is refuse Haruno Sakura missions. HA!"

"Goodie."

Tsunade smirked and cocked an eyebrow up, "Say…You know Jounin instructors have to go too."

Peek.

"So?"

"That means you need a _date_."

Kakashi placed his book to the side, "I'm sorry Tsunade-sama but I don't date older women."

POW!

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!! And what do you mean OLDER WOMEN?!"

The famous Copy-nin huddled in a corner, "S-sorry…NO HITTING…"

Tsunade sat back in her seat angrily, "But you do know you need a date. I hear Kurenai got Asuma."

Kakashi, who had miraculously made a fast recovery, waved his hand, "I'll find someone…"

"Anko's going."

"Did someone say ANKO?!"

_Oh…My…God…_

* * *

"Like oh my GOD!! It's like SASUKE!!! TAKE ME TO YOUR LAIR!!!" Sasuke dodged another fan girl while Hinata karate chopped another in the gut.

"T-there's too m-many of t-them…"

Sasuke grimaced.

Things are going to get very messy…

When suddenly-

BASH!!!

SHING!!

SPARKLY GLITTER!!

"To protect the world from devastation! To unite all peoples within our nation! To denounce the evils of truth and love! To extend our reach to the stars above! Naruto and…NARUTO! TEAM ROCKET BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT-"

Sasuke threw a chair at Naruto, "Dobe…"

"Sheesh! Teme! You could have taken my…head…off?" All eyes were on the poor blond.

"Heh heh…Hello. Lovely weather we're having aren't we?"

"N-Naruto…"

"EUREKA!! Hold on Hinata, I'll save you!!" Naruto leaped up.

MORE BASHING!!

MORE SHINGING!!

MORE SPARKLY GLITTER!!

"I am Sailor Ramen! In the name of spicy soup and soggy noodles, prepare to be noodle-fied!"

"AH! My face is MELTING from STUPIDITY!!" a random fan girl screeched.

Sasuke groaned. The things he does for Sakura…Wait? What?

"Hyuga! Look!! Flying squirrel!" Sasuke pointed at a wall.

As if someone poked her with a needle, Hinata dashed through the wall at top speed.

Not to mention, screaming at the top of her lungs, "SQUIRRELS PREPARE TO PERISH BY MY HYUGA FIST!!!"

Naruto and Sasuke followed albeit quite…startled.

Smirk.

Naruto ran faster to catch up, "That's my girl!"

* * *

Neji sat there quietly. His teammate already left to do her own thing.

It wasn't _shocking _to see him in such a way. He always was a loner even at a young age.

However…

'_Um…You ok?'_

'Yeah…sure…fine…'

'_Oh…riiight…Explains the murderous intent rolling off you in waves.'_

'Hn.'

It wasn't like he actually _liked_ Tenten.

It wasn't like he _cared_ she was going with someone else.

It wasn't like he'd go on a _killing spree _just because he was dateless.

…But did she REALLY have to go with KIBA?!

* * *

_Day 11 finished._

_Operation J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y starting…NOW!_

* * *

A/N: Ho, ho, ho! The TENSION is building! Pretty short chapter…not a lot of squirrel jokes. I think Orochimaru covers that field up quite nicely. Spring's finally come!!! YAY!!! SUN!!!!!! I'm thinking of new stories. Possibly a new one if I get the writing down. 43 REVIEWS!!! AHHHH!!! WONDERFUL!!! Won't be long before we reach the big 4-0-0!! (DANCES) Expect special character chapters to pop up. TOODLES LOVELYS!!!

Dr. Evil Squirrel Von Dude has planted an explosive device in It's up to you to save the day! Review in the next 10 seconds and you'll save thousands of writers!!!! AHHHH!!! (Also you'll receive a complimentary bunny with your next review. Toodles!)


	12. Tip 12: Tenten

Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"

A/N: Ahem…400 REVIEWSSSS! You people are so lovely and nice. LOVE you all to bits! I've decided to change my name to…_O-Renji-Un_!! (It means _Orange Luck _in Korean!) WOOT! AHHHHH! So excited!! Let's reach 500 now!!

Thank You's of DOOM (DOOM I SAY!): _Demon95, DysphoricxKun0ichix, lepetitchat, Kruel yet Sweet Kunoichi, uchihagenius4.0, DemonDeReves, La-Garce-Fille, AzNAnGeL07, I-Luv-Kitsunes, -strictly ext only-, MoodyAura, Mayumi Nakashima, Akinata, Hersheys Rocks, Ur2tRoUbLeSoMe90, CeruleanRider, SimpleLing, Moona-Chan, Kickass-Kunoichi, cut.class.not.frogs, Mrs Weasel-Fan, lolsuzie, CyclonePhoenix, Kimi-Hina, Minnane, CASE iN POiNT, Sarah Rebecca, C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, SakuraUchiha4, Amei-chan, Foxic Cherrii, FuunnyThingJeeaaLoosy, lallyzippo, Mumay, Haine-chan, Sweetnevermore, XxMoonlitxCherryxBlossomxX, Beauty Blade Alchemist, onyx eyed kitten, Hakumei.xo, SaphireShade, XXDragonheart6XX, pinkcrayon, EmiieRoxs, chibiaries…_

Dedication: To La-Garce-Fille, because she is a sweetheart and has given me a shout-out on her fic. SQUEE!

Disclaimer: HUM BUG! FIDDLE STICKS!! OTHER NOT-SO-PROFANE WORDS! I don't own Naruto.

* * *

Tip 12: Tenten

_Tenten:_

_Only female on Team Gai (That poor child…), Konoha's very own Weapon's Mistress (PMS chicks with pointy objects…What is the world coming to?), eighteen years old with a tom-boyish attitude (Scary lady…)_

Twitch.

"OH MY GOD!! THE H-oh…ohhhh…Hello, Kakashi-san."

_Teammates include Neji (Girly-emo-boy) and Lee (Happy-freakish-eyebrow-boy), trains mostly with Hyuga (Emo-ness is contagious…), likes sharp pointy objects (I hope she only uses those on OTHER people…you know…EMO-AGE)_

"I'm not suicidal, Kakashi-san. I'm perfectly stable with my life."

Twitch.

Ignore.

_Her role model is Tsunade (BOOBIES!!), aspires to be the best kunoichi (MORE BOOBIES!!), hates dresses (Shame really. Dresses are God's gift to women. I mean the emphasize on the legs and maybe some boo-)_

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

Running-like-a-scared-little-pansy Jutsu!

Smirk.

"Tsk, tsk. I never miss a target…"

_OH #$!_

* * *

_Rule number 12 in Kakashi's awesome book of awesome things for the awesome-y challenged:_

_Jealousy Rant! The good, the bad, and the ugly!_

* * *

Tenten could sense there was something REALLY wrong with Neji today. Like REALLY, REALLY wrong.

It bubbled and churned in her stomach uncomfortably.

And NO! She's not constipated!

Nor the fact that Neji was _seriously _mutilating that tree…

Or the other fifty already-mutilated trees surrounding them…

Nope!

Not a single doubt that Neji was off-his-rocker. If he even owned a rocker…GRANNY NEJI!!

Cough. Cough.

Uh…Riiight…

BASH!

Another tree was reduced to toothpicks. Tenten felt a shiver run down her spine. I mean she saw trees fall down and be ripped from the ground. She did train with Sakura when Neji went on missions. But to see a LARGE, THICK, MASSIVE plant be reduced to itty bitty shreds of paper now that was scary as hell…

Which reminded Tenten of her other _slightly_ insane teammate…

"NOOOOOOOO!! NEJI!!! THINK OF THE YOUTHFUL SQUIRRELS!!!!

Um…Right…SLIGHTLY insane…

"No."

If it was possible Tenten's eyeballs popped out of their sockets. WHOA!! Neji _spoke_.

He hasn't spoken since the whole Kiba-dating conversation. Will wonders ever cease?

"SQUIRREL-SAMA!!!! Bestow your youthful rays to hinder Neji's fiery attack!!!"

Guess not.

Orochi-Squirrel pounded his fist into his hand, "ONWARD MY SQUIRREL SERVANT!!"

Kabu-Squirrel pointed to himself.

Sigh.

"Yes YOUUU!"

CRASH!

Kabuto watched another tree crash onto the ground.

…

"Sorry, I rather keep the percentage of me being able to reproduce above 50 percent than being six feet underground. Thank you very much."

"So be it…I WILL VENTURE TO THE HYUGA LAIR!"

Neji slammed another palm into the bark.

He wasn't mad.

'_Like HELL you aren't!'_

'Your words are unheeded…'

'_NO DUH!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!'_

'Training.'

'_Training? TRAINING?! GOING GUN-HO ON A FOREST IS _NOT _TRAINING!'_

'…I'm not "gun-ho"…'

'_Let me rephrase…Making Konoha into another Sand Village is NOT training!!'_

'It is training."

'_Listen I know you're jealous-'_

'Not. Jealous.'

'_Like hell you aren't! Are you forgetting I'm you?'_

'For the last time, I'm not-"

FLUFFY RUB OF DOOM!!

"FEEL MY FUZZY MAGICAL POWERS OF DOOOOOMM!! My AMAZING tail will calm your raging hormones!!" Orochimaru rubbed his tail in Neji's face.

Uh oh…

5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

RIIIIIIP!

"AHHHHHH!!! MY TAILLLLL!!"

* * *

"Did you hear that, teme?" Naruto whipped around to face the Hokage Mountain.

"What are you babbling about now, dobe?" Sasuke wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"Not a dobe!!!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and slipped the pink sweatshirt off, "Could have fooled me…"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

"What are you looking at, dobe?"

"…Sasuke...Are those…KITTENS on your shirt?" Naruto pointed at Sasuke's chest.

_Oh crap_.

And indeed there were two little fluffy kittens frolicking and playing in the grass on Sasuke's shirt.

How…feminine…

You may now laugh at Sasuke's expense for the next five minutes…

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Naruto stopped his insane laughter to take a much needed gulp of air.

"So…Teme likes kitty cats?"

Sasuke glared, "Yeah, I like to eat them."

GASP!!

DASH!!!

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!!! SASUKE EATS KITTENS!!! He's a MURDERER!!!!!"

Silence…

"…Stupid shirt…stupid gag gift from Kakashi…stupid birthday…stupid kittens…stupid Naruto…"

* * *

Meanwhile with our matchmaking Jounin-

"Who Miss Narrator-Lady-Person?" a random audience member piqued.

Cough.

Erm…Back to Kakashi!!!

"_HOLY CRAP!!!"_

SMASH!!!

Tsunade quickly pushed seat back to avoid the human bullet that is Anko.

"Anko…"

Said purple-haired scary lady- I mean…jounin extraordinaire perched on the desk, "Yes, Tsunade-sama!!"

"You…broke my…window…again."

Everyone turned to see the shattered remains of a perfectly good window. Poor, poor Windom-chan...We hardly knew you.

Anko tapped a finger to her chin, "So it seems…ANYWHO! I find grand entrances to be very entertaining!!"  
Kakashi coughed into his hand, "I think everyone, and I mean _everyone_ who has not lost several years off their lives and a pair of very dry clean pants, would appreciate it if you don't."

"…SOOOOOO KA-KA-SHI!!! I hear you need a date, is it true?!"

Kakashi pushed himself into his seat, "Um…well you see…-"

Suddenly an angel burst through the heavens to…Welllll actually…She just walked through the door but if you want to get technical…

"Story, please?"

OH right, where were we…

Shizune stumbled in, face buried in several scrolls, "Tsunade-sama, I just received a letter from Kazekage-san that he would gladly attend-"

"I'm going with Shizune."

"Eh?!" Shizune blinked at Kakashi.

Whisper.

"Just say yes."

"Erm…yes?"

Kakashi clapped his hands, "Perfect!! Sorry, Anko. Why don't you ask _Iruka_ if he has a date?"

Anko placed her chin in her hand in deep thought, "Hmmm…OK!"

WHOOSH!

SMASH!!

Window-kun was smashed to itty bitty pieces…

Tsunade sipped her sake, "I really need to get anti-Anko windows…"

Meanwhile Kakashi was doing his little victory dance.

"Am I a genius or what?"

"You know…You just sentenced Iruka to the terror that is Anko, right?"

Grumble.

"He deserves it for making fun of my ducky socks…"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, "…You have ducky socks?"

GASP!

"WHO TOLD YOU?"

Dot. Dot. Dot.

* * *

"I told you it was bad idea." Kabuto slowly super-glued the tail…or what was the rest of it, back to Orochimaru's behind.

Pout.

"How was I supposed to know he would go gun-ho-"

"NOT GUN-HO!!" a shout reverberated through the forest.

Dot. Dot. Dot.

Damn Hyuga super senses!

"Maybe we should leave. Who knows when that jealous Hyuga will come back…"

CRASH!!

"Not…Jealous…" Neji cracked his knuckles threateningly.

"Quick, Kabuto!! Go to Plan Snake-Ade-Number-2154327891!!!" Orochimaru pushed Kabu-Squirrel towards the Hyuga.

"…What?!"

"Sing, goddamnit, SING!!"

Sigh.

Kabuto shook his head, "I can't believe I'm doing this…"

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!? Do you not see LONG-HAIRED-GIRLY-BOY-OF-DOOM-AND-PMS approaching?!"

Sigh.

"The things I do for evil…"

Spotlight.

Kabuto cleared his throat and closed his eyes. Neji tensed, these two were, after all, S-class criminals. Who knows what horrors they'd unleash…?

"…I feel…pretty…Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and GAYYYYYY-"

What. The. Hell.

Orochimaru whipped out a megaphone, "Use some girl power, SISTAH!"

"That's IT!" Kabuto threw his squirrel to the ground, "I'm sick and tired of this nonsense! I'm LEAVING!"

"NOOOO! KABUTO!!! Who will plot evil diabolical schemes and eat bon-bons and watch sappy teenage dramas with me?! I NEEEEDZ JOO!!"

Shing!

CENTER STAGE!

Dramatic Close-Up…

Kabuto looked to his feet, "I'm sorry, Orochimaru-sama. I…I just can't take this. All this running around…It's like I don't even know you anymore…"

"OH Rick! I swear it wasn't me! He just came out of nowhere! The passion was just too much…"

Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

"…Um…_What_?"

Blink.

Orochimaru flipped through some pages, "We're on page 70, right? It says so right here…'In a random act of passion, Marsha is caught by Rick while Josh is waiting in the foyer.'"

"That's not right. Are you sure you have the right script?"

"…OOPSY-DAISY! Wrong script! Can we do the scene again? Because I got it-"

During this entire travesty, our Hyuga watched in horror. This is even worse than the time Lee and Gai tried to do their versions of a wet-tee-shirt contest. And that my friends, was saying something…

Neji punched a nearby tree (Buh bye, Tree-san…), "NO! We will not re-do the scene. In fact, why am I listening to this crap?!"

The two conversing villains watched Neji, "Dude…Anger management, much?"

Glare!

"SHUT. UP."

It seems that our once stoic member of the Hyuga clan has finally snapped…

Orochimaru hugged Kabuto's tail, "B-but I'm a cute fluffy squirrel!"

"No. You're an old guy lusting over a seventeen year old _boy_ and need to get your brain examined for possible insanity. Actually, screw it! You. Are. Insane."

Sniff.

"WAH! So mean! I'm not insane! I'm just slightly bonkers…"

Neji uncharacteristically snorted, "Hn…Says a guy who wears glittery purple eyeshadow…"

"I'll have you know, glittery purple eyeshadow is very _manly_."

Neji raised an eyebrow, "Oh…Then why isn't your little minion wearing it?"

Orochimaru opened his mouth then closed it before turning to Kabuto, "Good point. _Why _aren't you wearing your lovely eyeshadow Ka-bu-to-channn?"

* * *

Meanwhile with our number one knuckle-headed ninja…

"DOBE! Stop making a scene. You're overreacting…" Sasuke gripped Naruto's collar.

"Me?! I'M making a scene? HELLO! I'm not the one who devours kittens."

"…Wow, big word. Tell me did Hyuga teach you that?"

"Shut it, Mister I-eat-kittens-and-look-like-I'm-constipated-all-the-time." Naruto wrenched himself out of Sasuke's grasp.

"I. Do. NOT. Eat. Kittens."

Naruto crossed his arms, "Really?"

"Hn."

"Ok…Is that 'no, I don't eat kittens' or 'yes, I eat kittens and suck their cuteness through a straw because I lack the awesome-ness of Naruto'?"

Sasuke gave him a disgusted look, "Neither."

"You can't be 'neither'! It's either yes or no!"

"Hn."

"Translation, please?"

"It means 'hn'."

"That's NOT a word!!!" Naruto flailed his arms like a lunatic.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "It is in my vocabulary."

"If that's the case, you have the vocabulary of a two year old!!"

"Dobe, shouldn't you be worried about Hyuga…"

Smirk.

"Teme, shouldn't you be worried about Sakura?"

The Uchiha gave Naruto a withering look, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Naruto casually shrugged his shoulders, "Welllllll the dance is in three days, I wouldn't be surprised if Sakura's fan boys swarmed her by now…"

Twitch.

"Fan…Boys…"

Naruto waved his hand nonchalantly, "Oh yeah, didn't you know? Almost all the guys here want to hook up with her."

Twitchity twitch, twitch…

"Hook…Up…"

_'You idiot.'_

'AHHHHH! VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!'

_'Shut. Up. It's the Kyuubi, you numbskull!'_

'Oh…AHHH! THERE'S A FOX IN MY BRAIN!!!'

_Mental slap._

_'Keep it up, see what happens.'_

'Heyyy…Wait a minute…I'M NOT AN IDIOT!'

_'Congratulations, you have reached a new level of stupidity.'_

'Well my idea is GENEUS!!'

_'God…You can't even SPELL right in your mind…'_

'Whatever…'

_'You do realize you sentenced most of the male population to death with your little "geneus" idea.'_

'Nu uh! Now Sasuke will realize his hidden affections for Sakura-chan!'

_'Riight…You are well-aware he's not there anymore?'_

"Eh? HEY TEMEEEEEE!! WHY'D YOU LEAVE!!!!?"

* * *

_'Soooooooo…Where are we going again?' _Inner Sasuke leaned back in his imaginary chair.

'…Find Sakura…'

_'Oh right. Why?'_

'Because.'

_'Because why?'_

'Are you teasing me?'

_'Maybe…It's rude to answer a question with a question.'_

'Does it look like I care?'

_'Well…No. But we do know what you care about the most!' _Inner Sasuke sang in a sing-song voice.

'Itachi's demise?'

_'Nope, my little emo princess. I'll give you a hint though. It begins with S and ends in A.'_

'I don't care about Sakura.'

_'Oh and the reason we're insanely jealous is because…what?'_

Sasuke could feel his teeth grind, 'Not jealous.'

_'Uh huh…Thus why you beaten up several MALE passer-bys for no good reasons…Yup. Makes total sense.'_

'They were in my way.'

_'To Sakura-chan if I recall.'_

'…'

_'Ha! I win!'_

"SHUT. UP."

Silence…

_'Nice. Now everyone thinks your unstable…not that they didn't think that before.'_

'Shut up, just shut up.'

* * *

SLAM!!!

"This is completely unfair…" Sakura mumbled under her breath as she left the Godaime's office.

That stupid, drunk, old, granny Godaime…refusing to give her missions like that…

Who does she think she is?

Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves?

Oh wait…

_Damn._

Sakura let out a frustrated groan and shook her pink tresses. There really was no way out of this.

She tapped a finger to her chin. Well, I suppose she could go…In fact, it could be loads of fun. But…

Sigh.

She really didn't want to see Sasuke. Even since their little get-together…NOT a date, she really couldn't count eating cold chicken on the ground in awkward silence a _date_. But really, ever since that day, Sasuke has been acting weird. Well…weirder than usual.

Seriously, the boy needed a mood ring bad…

He's so…ARGH!

Heh…Pirate-man…

SMACK!

OW!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!!!

"Can we please return to our original story?"

Grumble.

Fine. Be that way…but when evil I'm-gonna-take-over-the-world-and-you-can't-stop-me-HA-HA-HA squirrels attack you, don't come crying to me…

Sakura was so caught up in her thoughts she failed to see the bulky human-ish road block in her path.

TRIP!

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Hn."

* * *

Tenten honestly couldn't understand why Neji was being so difficult. I mean, SERIOUSLY, it wasn't such a big deal. She assumed that Neji already had a date and took the first person who asked her. That first person being Kiba.

Tenten sighed dejectedly. It really wasn't fair. Why did she have to like some emotionally-retarded guy? OH yes, she'll admit it. Tenten likes Neji. Dun, dun, dun! The horror.

Everyone knew…it wasn't like some big secret. Konoha's Weapons Mistress has a thing for the Hyuga Prodigy. She stuck out her tongue. Stupid gossip…

I mean the way he's acting, it's almost like he's-

GASP!

A shiny light bulb flashed above Tenten's head. How could she be so stupid?!

"I gotta find Neji!"

* * *

Kabuto glared at Neji. Stupid Hyuga, stupid make-up, stupid EVERYTHING!

"Because…"

Orochimaru placed his hands on his hips, "Because what?"

"It's PINK!"

"SO! Only real men wear pink!"

Neji scoff after finally calming down, "I don't wear pink and I'm a man."

"Well, that just proves you're in denial and, in reality, a girly-girly man." Orochimaru said rather matter-of-factly.

Rawr! HYUGA POWER!

Orochimaru tapped a finger to his chin, "Now…where was I? OH YES! Wear your eyeshadow, Kabuto!"

"B-but it gets into my eyes. IT BURNZZ US!!"

"I don't care, WEAR. IT."

Hyuga Power-up! Go, go POWER RANGERS-erm…Hyuga Neji!

"Prepare to meet my Hyuga fist of judgment!!"

"AHHHH!"

"NEJIII!"

* * *

Top Five Things That Scare Haruno Sakura:

5. Naruto's apartment. (Evil lurks behind those walls. EVIL, I SAY!)

4. Bugs. (Because seriously what girl isn't?)

3. Kakashi's Giggle Fest. (What's scarier than your aloof COOL teacher breaking down into school girl giggles-galore?)

2. Sasuke's PMS Stage. (Because the boy is in serious need of a mood ring…SERIOUSLY.)

And number one reason…Impersonator Sasuke. Aka: Rock-Lee-Pretending-AND-Dressing-Like-Our-Little-Emo-Princess.

And that is why Sakura is currently huddled into a little ball in a box in front of the currently brooding Rock-erm _Sasuke_.

"Hn." Sasu-Lee glared before straightening his blue shirt. Which might I add has an Uchiha fan drawn quite badly on the back…

"Um…Lee…Why are you dressed as Sasuke…?"

Sasu-Lee stuck his hands into the pockets of his white shorts, "Aa."

Suddenly he gripped her shoulders, "Sakura…Will you-"

* * *

Neji stopped his fist within inches from the two squirrel impersonators, "T-Tenten?"

Tenten let out a sigh of relief, "Thank God, I found you! I was looking for you for forever!"

"Aa…"

'_Maybe she came to say sorry…'_

"I'm SO sorry, Neji!"

Inner Neji punched a fist through the air, '_Hell YEAH! I'm flipping PSYCHIC!'_

'Shhh. Listen to her.'

'_Maybe she's gonna ask us out!'_

'Shut. Up."

Tenten looked up with big brown doe-like eyes, "How can I have been so stupid? It was so obvious! I didn't think about your feelings at all. I mean, I should have noticed right away that you liked Kiba-"

'_Wait a second…'_

"W-what?"

Tenten cocked a slim eyebrow up, "Well, judging by your reaction when I told you, I thought it was clear that well…You're-"

"PFFT!! HA, HA!! She thought you were GAY!!!" Orochimaru burst out into giggles.

Neji slapped a hand to his face. As Shikamaru would say, 'Too troublesome…'

"Wait…You're NOT gay, Neji…?"

Neji glanced beneath his hand, "What do you think?"

Tenten blushed darkly, "O-oh…W-well…"

"Tenten?"

Tenten squeaked, "Uh…yeah?"

"Are you…still going with Kiba?"

"Well…I don't know really-"

Suddenly Neji gripped her wrist and started to drag her away, "Good, because you're going with me."

Tenten shook herself out of her daze, "Wait…What? Hey Neji, wait! WAIT!"

* * *

Sasuke cursed softly under his breath. He had been running for a good forty-five minutes before he finally locked onto her chakra signature.

Honestly, shouldn't a pink-haired girl be I don't know…EASY to find?

The Uchiha leapt from the building he was dashing across to the street. All he had to do was turn the corner and-

"Will you go out with me, Sakura?"

Sakura blinked uncontrollably before pointing to herself, "Me?"

Sasu-Lee nodded very un-Sasuke-like, "Yes, Sakura-chan."

"Um…Lee…I-"

"Sakura…"

Green eyes whipped around to meet an onyx pair. Sasuke stepped around the corner, sweat dripping down his face and a determine look flashing before her eyes.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She had two choices. Which one, which one…To say yes and finally move on, or to say no and face possible rejection again…

Suddenly, emerald eyes opened, she wouldn't be played as the fool anymore.

"Lee, I-"

* * *

_Day 12 finished._

_Operation J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y reaching to the CLIMAX!_

* * *

A/N: (EVIL LAUGH) FEAR MY CLIFF HANGERS OF DOOM!! DOOM, I SAY!! Ahh…I understand this chappy isn't really about Tenten. Actually it's more Orochimaru-and-Kabuto Crack if anything. It's one of my many issues I need to fix. I'm working hard, I swear! But seriously, everyone's got to wonder why Kabuto never wears eyeshadow like his master…But I will say this: I'm sorry, Tenten-chan. I'll be sure to put a special spotlight just for you soon. Oh and if anyone is confused as to why Lee is acting like Sasuke re-read chapter 11, Orochimaru tells Lee he has no chance with Sakura unless he suddenly became Sasuke so...yeah, you figure it out.

Hyper Writer plus computer equals fan fiction which equals reviews which divided by the number of hours in a day times fighting to prevent squirrel world domination equals more chapters! Get it, got it, good. REVIEW!!


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